#9: Spewwww.

I've been just ranting and randomly entering little reminders for myself on Twitter. Thing with Twitter that we all know is that you're sharing it with everyone. I do that with the reason that maybe people can relate. I'm not perfect, I state that and I know that for a fact, but there are plenty of things that I just do not agree on.

Over the course of the past 2-3 years I've taken a lot of what I've experienced and put them together. Noticing that some of what I've allowed to happen before is replaying itself. Maybe I'm not doing my best at not allowing it to happen, but I am trying to handle it differently this time around. It's not always successful and there are times that I completely lose my mind, but I do know that it's not going to be okay.

People think abuse is just in the form of physically being hit. We forget that abuse can be mental and emotional. No one should do that to anyone and there is a thin line between it. If you curse someone out for how you feel about them, that is not abuse that is you completely over things with them and fed up. Now if you are cursing them out on a day to day to make them feel less of themselves, that is emotional abuse. There are people so blind to what they're doing because they are always so far up their own ass that they never know, but they do do it. It's hard to tell someone who always thinks they're right about themselves. Me? It's hard to tell me about myself because then I'll begin to pin-point all the bull shit you do too and need to know. I make it a back and forth.

No one likes to hear about themselves. It's one thing to hear and make changes, it's another thing to hear and then just go back to your old bull shit. Everyone is flawed and the hardest thing is to hear from someone that they're completely disappointed in you, especially if it's someone you deeply care for.

There's just so much that relates to abuse and how people like to completely take advantage of people. I don't like when it's done by those who claim to be your friends, that is the worst. If they're not doing it to you, trust me they're doing it to someone else. It's so easy for them to manipulate you, they're friend, imagine someone who isn't even a "friend" yet. But that's the fault of someone else for being so naive.

I keep reminding myself that I have sacrificed so much and made things happen thanks to me and my love and support system. I tell myself that you have to send that simple "I love you" and "Thank you" to those who have done nothing but held you down and helped you. Those things mean so much so you're never taking anyone for granted. I learned though that you can't expect that from everyone, especially the people who you have provided it all for and bent backwards for because those people might be too caught up in themselves.

The point of this? Just to share thoughts. If you write something and someone is offended, maybe the shoe fits. Don't change yourself for anyone, change for yourself. If anything you should just give less of yourself to someone who isn't worthy of it. It is not okay to be taken advantage of and abused. Those who matter will show you they care. They won't do it because they want something in return and want to use you in the long run. People who show you love here and there, if you feel off by it, maybe it's because they're doing it in order to get you around.

Live according to you and know that it is all an experience that you can only take it and learn from it.

#8: SmallChicksBigEats.Com

I'm so overwhelmed with all these emotions that I don't even know where to begin with this post. First and foremost, thank you to everyone who believes in this. The people who have not only spread the word, who have donated to help SmallChicksBigEats start their ventures, but the people who are loyal readers.

I've been reflecting a lot more with seeing how hard work really does show itself. People believe in those who work hard and want to make things happen. It's about never giving up and continuing to build on your dreams and goals. Two years ago this wouldn't have happened. Two years ago either I wasn't at the place or my partner at the time wasn't in the right place. It was just an idea, an outlet for food but never something that was eating at us to become reality.

Things then began to fall apart. My household was in shambles, mentally I wasn't there and I couldn't write anything. My creativity had lacked and all that came with it was put on the back burner. It wasn't until a few months after I mentioned to my new roommate, Jes, how I wanted to start getting back into it. She has a love of cooking herself and I thought her taking part in it would be good. Cooking is soul cleansing so is eating great tasting food. #SCBE became something we dabbled in from time to time, but the move to California is what did it.

California was a fresh start to life. It was a way for us to do things we couldn't have imagined ourselves doing prior. I mean....we did move all the way across country, what could stop us from there? The only thing I didn't want was someone who would half ass it. I didn't want to sit here and have to bug someone to want to take part in something that I saw so much potential in. Jes and I got our reality check once we noticed the feedback we were getting. Feedback on; our simple dishes that we put up for the sake of sharing the love we put into meals, how healthy food can be tasty, how good it feels to be able to feed yourself something other than microwavable food. We were driven by everyone who contributed and it all took hold of us from there.

There's so much more to this story but this is the basics of how SmallChicksBigEats started. All of this just shows how sometimes you have to step away from it and go back to it in order to focus your time and energy on it. It is impossible for something to be successful if you're not 100%+ in it. I am there and I am going to assume that my partner is as well, because look at all she's contributed and done thus far. It is quite amazing what can form from an idea as long as you set your mind to it.

Anyways, with all of that said I just want to thank everyone again. To the people who continue to spread the word, donate, share good vibes and continue to be my inspiration and motivation. To my immediate friends who get to taste the food and be critics. To Jes for taking this journey with me and turning it around. Most importantly, to myself for never letting all the negative chew me alive and make me think that it'll never be possible.

Remember if you believe in yourself, others will too. Hard work does not go unnoticed. Be genuine and grateful because it'll come back to you when you least expect it.

Happy eating, cooking and loving food!
- Ahlexandria

#6: What If.....

Recently picking through my brain and just looking at different scenarios, I've been asking myself "What if....". Have you ever just sat there and asked yourself how things could be different and how they'd change if it didn't happen how it did?

Between flying and just having some nice time away from certain situations that I've needed to, I was able to reflect. Noticing how people are, what they do and say, how it then can upset me. Noticing that I shouldn't be bothered by what someone says and does as long as isn't directly effecting me. I've held back on what should be said and exploded. Building this anger and allowing it to just sit there instead of speaking on it because I would rather let it be. Thinking that people know what an adult relationship with others should be. Some times I forget that people are never going to see things how you do. I forget that people can be so selfish and not everyone will just go an extra mile.

When you feel abused whether that's physically or verbally, you don't ever get how much it beat you up until you take a second to sit back and observe. How someone can mentally and emotionally play with you just to benefit them. How someone could sit there and constantly expect so much from you, but not even giving you the inch of the same thing.

I prefer to be distant. Distant as if it was close enough to reach but completely out of my reach and not having to deal with it as much because I took that step. I would just prefer to live day to day and worry about what needs to be instead of who.

What if....

• people were different?
• people took the time to thank you?
• you didn't take that responsibility?
• you didn't make that move?
• you spoke up more?
• beat them with your words for once?
• took everything away?
• completely changed yourself?

Who knows. I won't. I can only worry about today.

It's About That Time....

The distance I've grown from all of this, from my blog. I've been trying to think of what to write, how to keep readers interested. It finally hit me, writing is for me. This blog is for me & those who share it with me, I hope it has become something for you too. I have been in hiding, been so enclosed doing things that I have to. I've been focusing on myself, trying to handle my emotions, renovating the apartment, working. It's finally time, time for me to share myself, to let all of these clouded feelings go & it comes to doing it right here.

I've been in love. I still love.

I've lost love. I've hurt love.

I miss love. But I am love.

Between the issues that have gone on at home, with trying to just lead a day to day life, I realized love to many is essential. As much as I've tried blocking it off I just can't. I still love people, I've grown to love people, I've fallen for people who I still care for. We are human, we think more than we should, we have feelings that we wish we didn't. Avoiding everything about love has been what I've tried doing.

My ex & I broke up last year around July. We have spoken on & off about things, but never went through getting back together officially. Why? I wasn't ready. I felt that I needed to focus on myself & better myself. If I am not a better person how can our relationship possibly work? We tried being together & working things out, but maybe something different would help. I kept my life moving forward, after a few months started to get to know people especially due to the distance her & I created. & even between then everyone knew my terms: "I am not looking for anything. I am just getting to know people. I am focusing on myself." I did not (still don't) want a relationship, I did not (still don't) want to be serious with anyone, but I can't help that I myself am an emotional person. I like to tell you that you interest me & why. If there was something that you did, that I found beauty in I'd let you know. The downfall of all of this, people think that you're trying to be serious.

Throughout this I didn't stop loving my ex. She was & still is someone I love & care deeply about. But things change, people change & we were together for the reasons we were. The past is in the past for many reasons & I keep telling myself "You can't hold onto someone when things aren't eye to eye." We weren't & still aren't eye to eye with one another. But what I was avoiding? I was avoiding loving & being hurt. What happened? I got hurt. I felt like there was an ultimatum - be with me now, or there's nothing at all . All I wanted was to improve myself, to better myself, figure out who I am & was becoming. But the choice was to do that with her or she had someone lined up to be with. This coming from the person who still doesn't know what she is going to do with herself.

I've "dated" I guess you can say, got to know people out there. There's one thing I refuse to do, I refuse to blame anyone for what happens between my ex & myself. The "baggage" I have (or had at this point), is not something that should influence something in the future. I'm not looking for anything, but I do know that I am capable of loving beyond what I've expected. Enduring so much, my ex & I, my ex's! & I enduring all that we have with one another; & all I want is the best for them. Is that so wrong? I say that not out of sarcasm but with actual love & because I know they deserve it. We all deserve happiness. We deserve the best for us!

My ex is just an example of love lost. There is so much heartache that comes with loving, with trying to put yourself first for once. But I can not allow myself to give in to something I am not ready for. That I do not see at a state of being able to be fixed. There are sacrifices we all have to make & there's a point that you will end up hurt due to it. Just don't give up on yourself & know you're strong enough to experience the outcome of the decision you've made.

I've cried. It's ok. I've screamed. & that's fine too. We all handle things differently. We find someone else to involve ourselves with to move on. We just go into hiding to not have to worry about any outside feelings other the ones that we need to deal with. You find out a lot more about everything when you take a step back from everything. Whether you do it for a month, three months or like me going on eight months & still letting it happen, you do end up figuring it out. You figure out what's best for you & who is best to have in your life.

It's about time that I poured my heart out to my blog. This was the space where my inner thoughts spewed out. I can't give this up because this is one form of sanity. Hopefully with this I have given myself the proper closure to the love I once had & I can move on to new. I've found new things, experienced new things, but I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt there is an ending to that chapter. This is the end to that chapter. & I will continue to remind myself: it's absolutely fine to be vulnerable, but know that you can end up hurt.

With love on Valentine's Day.

- Ahlexandria

It's December!

In just one weekend your life can do a complete 180 degrees. Now that I am alone in the apartment, there's tons of things that are going to be done within the next few weeks before the holidays. & when I say few, I mean like three weeks. lol

• Steff has moved out. It had me on edge, but honestly as I've stated, I really just want the best for her. We served our purposes in each other's life & hopefully by living with one another she learned something as I learned more than plenty.
• We'll see what ends up happening. A beautiful apartment with so much potential & now it all is up to me to see what will come from it. Guess you'll all find out in 2013 what ended up happening.
• I'm addicted to some of Rihanna's songs on her new album. Between her, the Miguel album & an underground group of rappers that I love. You guys should definitely check out B.I.C (Bitches Is Crazy) & their "Yo Soy Widdit" video. The editing & the rawness of it all drives the crazy bitch in me wild. I warn anyone checking out know it's rated R...seriously! lol.
• I'm emotionally unavailable. Emotions just get you in a heap of trouble & with that comes trusting the person with how you feel. Clearly friends or lovers are not ones to be 100% trusted right now. So I'm just living how I need to, loving myself.
• Three feelings I want to share: excited, nervous, scared. But with the proper communication, vibes & honesty it will definitely turn into something better than before.

Hope everyone is ready for the holidays. I will take photos of my life renovations soon.

- Ahlexandria

Another good song by B.I.C:

I've Lost My Mind Plenty....

& this quote fits what goes on with me perfectly!

T i m e  h e a l s  a l l .

Very true in many forms. I've lost my mind, myself & everything that comes along with sanity. I know I'm crazy, but even by being crazy & this weirdo, I'm happy! There are times where stress does get the best of me, where people are complete disappointments, where I am not on the up & up; but damn....it feels so good to know that I can find my happy place.

I've done so many things to reach that point. I've found so many ways to relieve stress, to be happy, to just look at the bigger picture. I am not perfect & I know this. I do what I have to do & continue to do it because it's what has to be done. Those who can not stay true to who they are, who let so many things change them & can not continue to stick to things - those are people who will lose themselves. Being crazy is who I am. I don't think I am sane, even though a lot of times it seems so. I am out of control, loose at the mouth, but at the end of the day I'm me. I hold it together as best as I can & I've started not caring about a lot of things that can not be changed. I can not change people & their priorities & how much they suck. I can not change the weather, nor can I change how the world works. All I can do is adapt, accept it & continue about my day to day.

Although I love to evaluate all of it; question, wonder, think of what was said & done - I will not allow it to get the best of me. People will no longer get the best of me. Feelings will be feelings in that moment & something I will have to overcome. If I lose out, I lose out. There will be something that comes along to just replace that loss.

I have been more to myself, more focused on hobbies (ie: food blog). I've met new people, gotten to know people I do better & learned who holds what place in my life. Some people have been demoted & I am absolutely ok with that. Their actions, their words, where I'm at, what I do, it all doesn't seem to fit one another. Life is like a puzzle piece we are trying to figure out and put together. Just know, everyone will also have that missing piece. If it's not that missing piece they will always have a piece they are trying their best to fit in.

T h i n k  a b o u t  i t !

Don't ever doubt what your mind and heart are capable of. Do it because it feels right, but know that whatever decision you make there are occurrences/consequences that then follow. Don't want to stay true to you work, don't want to keep promises, want to put whomever helped you get to where you are aside, want to act like you're better, want to not care - it all comes with something.

My mind randomly typing it all up.

- Ahlexandria

9th Month of the Year.

Summer is over & the fall is rolling in. I ended summer properly. I have several pictures for upcoming posts that I can't wait to share. Also have posts lined up ready to be posted. 

I've been on a "stay-cation" over in Long Island at Mom's house. It was nice to be away, spend time with my lady & see the people I grew up with. Family is important! I have always been the outcast not wanting to spend time with family, but this year I've made it a priority. I try to see my mom once a month, see my brother for his important days & when we can get together & spend time with my cousins. Two of my cousins are my closest friends & I have made that effort to not only always keep in touch with them but see them when our schedules allow it.

The time away from the apartment was nice. The things I usually do; cooking, taking out the trash, trying to stay on top of things - those are things I didn't have to worry about this week. Before I left the apartment I cleaned it up, took out trash that Sunday & made sure there was nothing much Steff had to do except stay on top of it. It's nice to have an easy going vacation with no much worries. I didn't have to cook this entire week, worry about chores (except personal ones that had to be done while out here) & all I had to do was let it all go. Everything that has happened this summer, the tension that is there with people, just stress...I've set it all side or let it go. It's about mutual respect & staying true to who you are & what you promised. Not everyone can do that, so those are people who you shrug off.

I've gone out, I'm done some DIY projects, I've tanned after not being at the beach since Costa Rica. But more than anything, I spend time the past two weeks with the ones I love. Catching up with old friends was nice. To see how things have changed over the years. To rehash the memories we had & just share the good ol' times. This little get away was much needed. As much as I can hope for things to get better, there to be less stress - all I want is for people to step it up where need be. But hey, if they can't then I am absolutely fine with it, it is me at the end of the day.

A new month is supposed to bring about new goals. I have plenty of them, but I honestly rather share the goal through a blog when I actually do it. This month there is plenty planned & I have already started that by freeing myself, getting some projects done, feeling just a little above normal.

I hope that you all have your fall goals ready! Very proud to see you all back in school, your babies going to school, just things coming together for a lot of us who were down in the dumps. Positive thinking, hopes & wishes can bring out positive outcome. Don't ever forget what you can accomplish!

Stay tuned for some upcoming posts!

xo - Ahlexandria

Clearing Up 8.10

I find it interesting the amount of hits that post received. I got messaged and questioned as to why I would write that & then it dawned on me maybe my wording was incorrect.

If you've followed me for some time now, here or on Twitter, you'll know that I do not live with my Mom. I live with Steff in an apartment. People have asked for advice on how to live with someone, or how can you even live with a best friend. Simply, it comes down to rules & that was the message I was trying to state. That no matter WHO it is that you live with there has to be rules set in order to be able to live with someone. The fact that is came off offensive, eh...it's more of a research & experience based blog.

When certain messages come into play like that where they start to question what is going on in my household, it's like personal blogs can only be taken so far. I can not stress the fact that if I want to share with someone I will. When it comes to certain things, there is nothing to state than what I do here. Considering this, I think I've been an open book with my readers. I wouldn't want to not be who I am all to keep people interested. Of course some things will be more intriguing than others, but all I can do is share what I want to in that moment.

For those of you understanding the point in last Friday's post, thank you. Thank you everyone for all of your feedback & curiosity. My mission in blogging is not only be able to vent, but to share myself with all of you. Hopefully by doing so you can relate to me.

With that said - 

Enjoy your weekend everyone!

xo - Ahlexandria

Wise Wednesday.

All we can do is still to what we want to do with ourselves. Goals are not easy to keep up with. Giving up is definitely not the way though. It is fine to take a break from things, but don't completely lose sight of what you had planned. Keep going, stay driven, find a way to make it all happen!

Class of 2012!

I have to say this has to be one of the happiest days of my life. I can put together a few, but watching my little brother graduate definitely reached the top of my list. He is brilliant, absolutely handsome & as he said we have a connection, this bond, that are like a pair of twins. He is my little big twin!

Exhausted does not even begin to explain what I feel because of this day, but all in all today was the perfect way to spend it. Half a day, all to go & drive to Pennsylvania to see him in his cap & gown, get his diploma & throw his hat in the air in celebration. The only unfortunate thing was that he felt really sick because he didn't eat, & I can relate to the same feeling. Other than that we spoke about college, his plans, how he wants me involved & just telling him I am too damn proud.

Sidenote: We were talking & he said "Hi" to some little hoochies & they were giggling up a storm all because he said HI! Like chill little chicks get a grip!

Anyways,

As you can see I was ecstatic! I wouldn't have ever missed this day for the world. I didn't cry, but I got emotional & I am just a proud big sister.

To my #1 man, my little brother, my twin;

I couldn't be happier! I am proud of you & I know your mom & our dad will not understand us at all. They won't understand the pressure they put on you, but I understand. You are loving, understanding & open minded. Your mom & Reg raised you well & Dad threw in a little something something lol. Just know that no matter what it is, whether you want to vent to me or just laugh it up, I am here. I am glad you feel comfortable enough to turn to me, to be honest with me. We have a relationship a lot of brothers & sisters can never even relate to. We are on in a kind!

I love you more than you will even know & I'd give you the world & more if I can.

- T.A.S

02282012

I've been feeling a bit "down" recently. Maybe it's because of the fire in the apartment, or some disappointments, but for the most part it's not how I want to feel. My heart feels heavy, but I'm not weighed down by it, just upset.

Last week's fire left us with no hot water, no heat, no gas. Come to find out that the fire department, or insurance never put our gas back on for our floor. How did I find that out?! Well, I called the electrical company because not only was I tired of it, but the girls kept getting pissed off about it. So of course, I was just getting annoyed & aside from contacting our landlord, I contacted the electrical company. The Friday before the Sunday that the electrical/gas company came, my father attempted to fix the situation; put our boiler back on. It wasn't turning on so he suggested that I call. Finally when I did on Saturday, they came Sunday morning. When I found out what wasn't done I was just really urked by everything. Everyone started to just bother me. Good news is we got it up & running! Bad news is that it took that long for one of us to get it taken care of.

Saturday we visited Isis Jade. She is Jazz's newest addition to her family, but she definitely became a part of Steff & mine. She is the cutest little thing in the world. I have photos of her that I have to get up. I tried to keep thinking about her as Sunday came rolling in, especially with all the emotions that were flowing. I can't even get into that because it's another reason why I'm still just drained.

Right now, currently, I feel like there is so much that has to be done. Our wall in our living room is still boarded up with plastic covering it. It's like the insurance is going to take forever to approve everything for it to get fixed. There is also too much estrogen in one house for me. I wish the guest room was set up so I could lock myself in, let my mind, my body & everything be freed. With those feelings I need to get over how ungrateful & unappreciative people are. It's crazy how you just sit back & notice that those you give an arm & a leg to, they don't do it for you, but do it for someone who isn't as "important" as you thought you were. I don't need the world, thank you's are fine, but under some circumstances I shouldn't be the one giving 99%.

Anyways, besides my little rant....
I hope everyone is doing well. That people are smiling & continue to smile as I do even through all the bull crap of emotions that I feel.

One more thing, if you could all help me with a few things:

1. I need some ideas on what to cook. If there's food made at home, I'm normally the one cooking & I need some new ideas on what to cook so I don't get bored of cooking, or even just completely lost. I need new ideas for things that can be made, or what I should try to make. Any idea on ways to cook it, or styles, or marinates would be great!
2. I also need some ideas on a chore chart. I want a nice one to put on the fridge so everyone does their part. I want to make it creative & easy to switch the chores each week so not everyone is doing one of the same thing. We should all switch up on taking out the garbage, on cooking, on cleaning certain parts of the house & washing the dishes, bathroom, etc.The only thing I have done recently was get a cute grocery list from Urban Outfitters that I hope will help. Everyone checks off what we need for the house & everyone puts in the same amount of money at the first & the middle of the month to go grocery/toiletry shopping.

Please if you have any ideas for the above, please feel free to e-mail me, or leave a comment below.

P.S. Don't forget about the "All About You" photo challenge that is up. You have until Sunday, March 4th at midnight. Good luck!

xo's - Ahlexandria

Stress Kills.

Moving wasn't & still isn't as easy as we all made it out to be. Maybe it's getting the best of us & having these events planned & wanting it to be perfect is also on my list. Planning the event can be stressful, but the outcome is the best reward. I'm just hoping for the best this upcoming weekend.

Tonight, although there was yelling, crying & a lot of bull shit, in the end we just settled in, do what we normally do, laughed a lot & went to bed. If there's anything I learned from tonight is that you can't let everything get the best of you. No matter how mad you are, how stressed out things are, you have to learn to set it aside sometimes.

Nothing can just easily change, things do take time & in order for you to keep your sanity, you have to remain at some sort of peace with yourself & the ones you love. I messed up...that I do admit.

Sigh.

I will be finding more ways to relieve stress, to help myself & not end up angry over petty things. I hope that the communication we have all formed, we have a better understanding. I do know though that sometimes there are things that are said & although you think it's ok, some people will react differently. It all depends on how you say it. I will defend that to the fullest & there are times you have to just let your guard down & say sorry & I will keep attacking until that's done.

I don't know. Random ramble. Stress kills!

Oh My God BECKY!

It's Tuesday & I'm updating my blog!
Let's see...what should I share?! Oh wait, I know!

WE MOVED INTO A NEW APARTMENT!!!
& let me just say there's a lot of work that is going into this apartment, a lot of decorating, cleaning, organizing, but so well worth it! I couldn't be happier with finding the place, seeing it & coming here to live. This is hopefully the place where no one feels they are going to go insane. I hope this is the place where we can come home to, kick it & just relax.

It's a two master bedroom, third room which will be the office/guest room, nice living room space, kitchen that leads to the very well sized bathroom. My closet is huge, but I still question how many things I have & not having the space to fit all these things. The only issue was the people who lived here prior to us. They were absolutely filthy & we're hoping that the paint, the new furniture, the art will all place it together.

So I wanted to share what the place looks like currently. With our vision we are hoping it's going to look gorgeous. The space so I can get a nice backdrop making do some shoots, the office/guest room so I can work on my jewelry & blog. With the money we are investing, how broke we are going to be, we are hoping this will all be worth it.

Using the Photosynth app I pieced together pictures of my room in the current state. There are things in here that won't be after we're done. When we got the cable & internet yesterday we set things up & the only room where you can sit is my room.

You can see I moved a bit when I was turning in a circle to use it, but it looks so cool when you're looking from the phone. The photo is going around the room how you take pictures of it. Here you just see it in how I took it & pieced it together.

Well as you can see: the bed color, the items that we have laying around, the door between my room & Steff's, the door to go in the hallway. The curtain we purchased Sunday, we moved in Saturday. The color of the room Jazz & I chose. Steff has a nice light hot coco color. We then used those two colors throughout the entire apartment. The fresh paint & new rug gave these rooms the life we needed. & the natural light is amazinnnng!

Anywaysssss....besides my excitement lol! I hope everyone has been doing good. Trust me I've been reading up on your blogs when I get the chance.

Tomorrow I will be getting questions together for the features. :)

xo's - Ahlexandria

If you haven't been following me on Twitter you should. I couldn't contain the excitement so I shared it there & posted a few photos.

Tuesday.

Another week has gone by & things have been completely hectic. As I've stated in my previous post there are things that I will be sharing soon. I will share them in photos!

Also, next Sunday expect to read up on a challenge/give away that I thought of having. It should be very exciting. I'm ready to see what you all come up with. :)

How are all of your resolutions coming along? I honestly did make any but what I already have been wanting to do. So I will continue with my growth & progress.

Remember no matter what happens, what we experience helps us build. Being weak is a strength because you can not be strong without knowing what weakness is.

Alcohol.

It seems to have the weirdest effects on some people.

Growing up around people who drank, to see how they would act. To see how things ended up in my home, how out of hand things got. Then to work in clubs, to bartend & see how people couldn't handle themselves because of the excessive drinking. It really does make you rethink of much you should drink, or who to associate yourself with when they drink.

Last night was a bit insane because although not my close friends, it's just the level that things got because of alcohol. Young females fighting with one another, abusive, all because alcohol completely changes them. For me to find one stranded, come back to the town we live in, for me to stop the violence that could have occurred. Due to the alcohol, the reactions, the words that were said to one another, the fists that were thrown.

People shouldn't drink if they are going to act like that. If they're going to drink it should be to a limitation. The fact that someone can go to that extent. It's completely mind blowing!

Self control is important. Just because you have self control & composure doesn't mean you can't have fun. It's all about enjoying yourself, but not allowing something like alcohol to have control over you.

What Is Your Deepest Fear?

Think about it...what do you consider your deepest/greatest/biggest fear? As odd as it may sound, I really believe that is mine.

As much as blogs don't come as easy, I am going to attempt to make them once a week.

Rambles #8472

There are moments where you need all the strength in the world to get by. Moments where you need to be completely confident with yourself to know that everything is going to be ok. As weak as I have been, as insecure as I am, I have yet to lose my soul, myself completely.

Slowly, we venture off into our world. There are things that take us in a big whirlwind, but we just have to keep steady even if we are tripping over those steps forward. Every single day is a challenge. The challenges aren't just what is placed in our way, but more of life itself. That is the greatest challenge; LIFE! I know I've said this before but reinforcement & repetition is what sticks, what gets you through.

Pieces of me, my life, my wellness, my mental health - they've all broken off at some point or another. They might still be shattered somewhere around. I do know that not all pieces are meant to be put back together, but transformed into something better. Make a new piece & attach it to you.

Although I am weak, even insecure, I have not lost my soul or myself completely.

Anxiety, sleepless night, hating the world - it will not change what has to take place. Things need to be done despite the way I feel. Whether I am forcing myself to do it, or doing it willingly, it will, should & has to be done. For the most part depending the circumstances.

You could lose, win, or stay neutral. There's no way of knowing without trying.

Who Saves You?!

"Alex you sit there and try to help and save everyone, but who saves you?!"

I've been thinking about this since it's been said to me. It's not that there isn't someone to save me because there is, but I lie to pull the line when it comes to them wanting to help. I don't mind helping, I actually enjoying completely going out my way for others if I can. The person who told me this is right though "Not everyone cares about you, or how you feel. They will take this and use it to their advantage. It's about them before you." I know that some people are like that, I know some people just use kindness to their advantage, but I can't change who I am. Well I can, but I guess in a way I refuse to.

I like being kind, I love to give when I have & even if I don't I find a way to manage. That is something that makes me happy. "You put everyone before yourself and sometimes it has to be about you." Another thing they are once again right about. Things is I rather be the one hurt in the end then see others hurting. I rather know I was the one person who actually cared & that one person who did what I could in their life. Thing a lot of people don't realize is; I do notice when someone takes advantage of me. Those people get their one gulp of help, then from there I ease off completely. I still remain friendly but don't go out my way like I once did.

I know I may seem completely naive, but I can't help for caring about others. In the end who cares for me? Who saves me? There have been people who have gone out there way to help me, I just do not accept the help.

It's still lurking in my mind. I am just. . .STUCK on it!

Empty Boat Rides

Empty Boat Rides a photo by Ahlexandria on Flickr.

It's pictures like these that I come across & can't help but think about you. Don't get me wrong moving on doesn't mean we forget. I can't forget you when you've had one of the biggest impacts on my life. As much as I've been holding in what I've been feeling, holding in these words, I just had to let them out, had to share it.

You will always be someone I will love, always be someone important to me. As many times as we've tried to make it work, as many times as we've said "I love you" - in the end it doesn't matter. Who knows what the future holds for us, if there will be an us, but right now you are living your life & I am going on with mine.

I can't say that you're better off because I don't know. If you are though I am happy for you. I reached out to the girl that you made me hate you over, I told her that if it's her that you choose, I am happy for you both. She gave you the attention I wasn't capable of providing you because I was too torn by all that was done. I still held all the abuse again you. Deep within me I hated you for ever laying your hands on me, no matter how mad you were. Because of me, because of US, you turned into a monster.

& even after all of that, after all we've put each other through, I still can't seem to stop loving you. But I'm empty; although I think of you I am empty when it comes to thinking of us again. At one time when we went to take that picture together I pictured us in it. We've always wanted to share a boat ride together. But now, those images are empty, just like that boat. There will never be an us together in a boat, riding along, enjoying one another's company. We will never be (maybe because of you, maybe because of me).

Knowing that this is completely irrelevant & isn't of importance anymore, just as I am not of any importance anymore to you - Please know that there are times you still cross my mind, that boat ride we always planned on taking.

Relieved In A Way.

I feel some sense of relief. Although it may not have been the normal thing to do, I had to do it. I was holding it in for far to long, it wasn't letting me move on with my life. This grudge that I had let build up inside of me, letting it eat me - but for what?! This girl didn't do anything to me, because who am I to her?! I am a nobody. My ex though, she was someone important to me & for her to turn to her burned me. While trying to fix things with me, while trying to make things "better" between us, she runned to her because I couldn't find the way to give her all of me; the love, the attention, the comfort that she wanted because I was inflicted with all this pain that we had caused to one another.

It's sad. It honestly is that so many months later I still cry about it. I cry about things because I can't believe they happened, or that loving me wasn't enough. It held us there for so long, but on this thin thread that eventually tore apart. As hopeless as I was, & still am, I can't let my emotions for my ex make me hate this young girl. I can't hate either or them, I don't have the hate in me, I just rather share how I feel & hopefully with her understanding I can feel better.

This all seems crazy, all seems so odd for me to even mention, even to bring up to her. I had to though, I needed to get that sense of relief that I shared how I felt. Even if it comes from no where, out of the blue, I know it's what I needed to do (for myself mostly). She seems like a wonderful person, she's a great parent & she's intelligent. Someone so positive as that, my ex deserves in her life, deserves to make her happy! I only want the best for my ex, for anyone that has come into my life. & although the past can not be forgotten, I know I can move on with a clear mind & a less weighed down heart.

Hopefully what I needed to do has helped me.