#9: Spewwww.

I've been just ranting and randomly entering little reminders for myself on Twitter. Thing with Twitter that we all know is that you're sharing it with everyone. I do that with the reason that maybe people can relate. I'm not perfect, I state that and I know that for a fact, but there are plenty of things that I just do not agree on.

Over the course of the past 2-3 years I've taken a lot of what I've experienced and put them together. Noticing that some of what I've allowed to happen before is replaying itself. Maybe I'm not doing my best at not allowing it to happen, but I am trying to handle it differently this time around. It's not always successful and there are times that I completely lose my mind, but I do know that it's not going to be okay.

People think abuse is just in the form of physically being hit. We forget that abuse can be mental and emotional. No one should do that to anyone and there is a thin line between it. If you curse someone out for how you feel about them, that is not abuse that is you completely over things with them and fed up. Now if you are cursing them out on a day to day to make them feel less of themselves, that is emotional abuse. There are people so blind to what they're doing because they are always so far up their own ass that they never know, but they do do it. It's hard to tell someone who always thinks they're right about themselves. Me? It's hard to tell me about myself because then I'll begin to pin-point all the bull shit you do too and need to know. I make it a back and forth.

No one likes to hear about themselves. It's one thing to hear and make changes, it's another thing to hear and then just go back to your old bull shit. Everyone is flawed and the hardest thing is to hear from someone that they're completely disappointed in you, especially if it's someone you deeply care for.

There's just so much that relates to abuse and how people like to completely take advantage of people. I don't like when it's done by those who claim to be your friends, that is the worst. If they're not doing it to you, trust me they're doing it to someone else. It's so easy for them to manipulate you, they're friend, imagine someone who isn't even a "friend" yet. But that's the fault of someone else for being so naive.

I keep reminding myself that I have sacrificed so much and made things happen thanks to me and my love and support system. I tell myself that you have to send that simple "I love you" and "Thank you" to those who have done nothing but held you down and helped you. Those things mean so much so you're never taking anyone for granted. I learned though that you can't expect that from everyone, especially the people who you have provided it all for and bent backwards for because those people might be too caught up in themselves.

The point of this? Just to share thoughts. If you write something and someone is offended, maybe the shoe fits. Don't change yourself for anyone, change for yourself. If anything you should just give less of yourself to someone who isn't worthy of it. It is not okay to be taken advantage of and abused. Those who matter will show you they care. They won't do it because they want something in return and want to use you in the long run. People who show you love here and there, if you feel off by it, maybe it's because they're doing it in order to get you around.

Live according to you and know that it is all an experience that you can only take it and learn from it.

#6: What If.....

Recently picking through my brain and just looking at different scenarios, I've been asking myself "What if....". Have you ever just sat there and asked yourself how things could be different and how they'd change if it didn't happen how it did?

Between flying and just having some nice time away from certain situations that I've needed to, I was able to reflect. Noticing how people are, what they do and say, how it then can upset me. Noticing that I shouldn't be bothered by what someone says and does as long as isn't directly effecting me. I've held back on what should be said and exploded. Building this anger and allowing it to just sit there instead of speaking on it because I would rather let it be. Thinking that people know what an adult relationship with others should be. Some times I forget that people are never going to see things how you do. I forget that people can be so selfish and not everyone will just go an extra mile.

When you feel abused whether that's physically or verbally, you don't ever get how much it beat you up until you take a second to sit back and observe. How someone can mentally and emotionally play with you just to benefit them. How someone could sit there and constantly expect so much from you, but not even giving you the inch of the same thing.

I prefer to be distant. Distant as if it was close enough to reach but completely out of my reach and not having to deal with it as much because I took that step. I would just prefer to live day to day and worry about what needs to be instead of who.

What if....

• people were different?
• people took the time to thank you?
• you didn't take that responsibility?
• you didn't make that move?
• you spoke up more?
• beat them with your words for once?
• took everything away?
• completely changed yourself?

Who knows. I won't. I can only worry about today.

It's About That Time....

The distance I've grown from all of this, from my blog. I've been trying to think of what to write, how to keep readers interested. It finally hit me, writing is for me. This blog is for me & those who share it with me, I hope it has become something for you too. I have been in hiding, been so enclosed doing things that I have to. I've been focusing on myself, trying to handle my emotions, renovating the apartment, working. It's finally time, time for me to share myself, to let all of these clouded feelings go & it comes to doing it right here.

I've been in love. I still love.

I've lost love. I've hurt love.

I miss love. But I am love.

Between the issues that have gone on at home, with trying to just lead a day to day life, I realized love to many is essential. As much as I've tried blocking it off I just can't. I still love people, I've grown to love people, I've fallen for people who I still care for. We are human, we think more than we should, we have feelings that we wish we didn't. Avoiding everything about love has been what I've tried doing.

My ex & I broke up last year around July. We have spoken on & off about things, but never went through getting back together officially. Why? I wasn't ready. I felt that I needed to focus on myself & better myself. If I am not a better person how can our relationship possibly work? We tried being together & working things out, but maybe something different would help. I kept my life moving forward, after a few months started to get to know people especially due to the distance her & I created. & even between then everyone knew my terms: "I am not looking for anything. I am just getting to know people. I am focusing on myself." I did not (still don't) want a relationship, I did not (still don't) want to be serious with anyone, but I can't help that I myself am an emotional person. I like to tell you that you interest me & why. If there was something that you did, that I found beauty in I'd let you know. The downfall of all of this, people think that you're trying to be serious.

Throughout this I didn't stop loving my ex. She was & still is someone I love & care deeply about. But things change, people change & we were together for the reasons we were. The past is in the past for many reasons & I keep telling myself "You can't hold onto someone when things aren't eye to eye." We weren't & still aren't eye to eye with one another. But what I was avoiding? I was avoiding loving & being hurt. What happened? I got hurt. I felt like there was an ultimatum - be with me now, or there's nothing at all . All I wanted was to improve myself, to better myself, figure out who I am & was becoming. But the choice was to do that with her or she had someone lined up to be with. This coming from the person who still doesn't know what she is going to do with herself.

I've "dated" I guess you can say, got to know people out there. There's one thing I refuse to do, I refuse to blame anyone for what happens between my ex & myself. The "baggage" I have (or had at this point), is not something that should influence something in the future. I'm not looking for anything, but I do know that I am capable of loving beyond what I've expected. Enduring so much, my ex & I, my ex's! & I enduring all that we have with one another; & all I want is the best for them. Is that so wrong? I say that not out of sarcasm but with actual love & because I know they deserve it. We all deserve happiness. We deserve the best for us!

My ex is just an example of love lost. There is so much heartache that comes with loving, with trying to put yourself first for once. But I can not allow myself to give in to something I am not ready for. That I do not see at a state of being able to be fixed. There are sacrifices we all have to make & there's a point that you will end up hurt due to it. Just don't give up on yourself & know you're strong enough to experience the outcome of the decision you've made.

I've cried. It's ok. I've screamed. & that's fine too. We all handle things differently. We find someone else to involve ourselves with to move on. We just go into hiding to not have to worry about any outside feelings other the ones that we need to deal with. You find out a lot more about everything when you take a step back from everything. Whether you do it for a month, three months or like me going on eight months & still letting it happen, you do end up figuring it out. You figure out what's best for you & who is best to have in your life.

It's about time that I poured my heart out to my blog. This was the space where my inner thoughts spewed out. I can't give this up because this is one form of sanity. Hopefully with this I have given myself the proper closure to the love I once had & I can move on to new. I've found new things, experienced new things, but I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt there is an ending to that chapter. This is the end to that chapter. & I will continue to remind myself: it's absolutely fine to be vulnerable, but know that you can end up hurt.

With love on Valentine's Day.

- Ahlexandria

& Over The Course of a Few Weeks....

The panoramic photo I took of NYC.

A lot ends up happening. Between learning a lot of new things, finding out new things & just living life things just occur. With the this little "hiatus" I guess I've taken, more so because I didn't know what to write, it's crazy what comes along. My lack of writing has shown me so much more.

• Clearly my career as a professional blogger doesn't seem like it will ever happen. Maybe it's due to not being inspired, not knowing what to write, or unsure of how to say things. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone because they believe my words are directed towards them with my generalization. Then I realized I can't stop writing how I do or what I write because I care too much about what someone else thinks. That's my problem, I tend to care too much.
• It's not a lie when you're told your parents know you best. My mother & father know me in & out, they know how temperamental I am, my highs & lows. The thing that I appreciate the most is that despite it all they love me. My parents will tell me how it is, where I went wrong, where things are going. They provide me with blunt advice on how life is & how I could handle it. Even if I didn't go about it the right way they will help me see all sides of the fence. My father recently said "Life brings you things that you just have to take it & run with it. People shouldn't run away from the problems they will always linger. Those who can not confront it are scared of the outcome. Be yourself, you will get far by just being you because you are amazing even if you're flawed." Now my mom is not as calm as my dad. My dad has a subtle approach to things but has no problem putting a fist through someone's face. My mom on the other hand has this "Fuck you if you fuck me over & you'll know I'm not about this shit" approach. I guess it's a mother's instinct to protect their children, but even if so she just says: "No one likes to hear negative about themselves, I know I hate it. If you have to lash out there must be some underlying reason for it. If people would listen the first time around they wouldn't be so offended when it was repeated." The joy of parents, the way I love them, the support they've provided me through recent times.
• As it comes to it people change, relationships change, things are not the same. I recently found out that Steff is looking to move out. Even if she wants to deny it or say "At the moment I am not going anywhere" or "It is not your concern, I owe you no explanation" - in the end it's me who she lives with. When I wanted to leave I told her (even if it wasn't the nicest way) & it's me who she's fucking over. By all means, if she doesn't want to tell me I don't mind, but I clearly know otherwise. Apparently questioning the lease wasn't the only thing, but the fact that this world is soooo small is what blows me away. My friend moved into a place with someone else & they have a third room they're looking to rent. A "$700 room for rent" & Steff's e-mail was one they received. How do I know? Well my friend came to my house & has met Steff. I tagged Steff on Instagram & she asked me "What's the 'Vee' stand for?" I told her it's her last name -so & so-. Guess she remembered it pretty well & mentioned it to me, the e-mail & all. I let out the ultimate laugh. Steff is right about one thing she owes me no explanation, but be decent enough to tell me straight up. It's ok though, I wish her nothing but the best with her search for a new place & her endeavors. She's an amazing person & all of the crap we're going through doesn't make me stop loving her. We all fuck up & think what we do isn't wrong. Shit! I didn't think cursing her out & telling her she was a fucked up friend & roommate was wrong, still don't. It is what it is. As outlandish as it all sounds it's just things that end up being those little "outcomes" of choices made. I will just wait for that notice so I can help get the apartment situated into a better place.
• Cyber Monday is really not all it's made out to be. I was dying to try & get tons of new electronics for the living room set up I have in mind & kitchen appliances. TUH! I didn't think the deals were all that great except for one crock pot/slow cooker I was waiting for. Walmart had this 6 quartz slow cooker for $9.44. You can only imagine how fast that ended up going! Although my self purchases were a fail, I didn't fail on one thing. I got my mom an awesome birthday gift that was long overdue. My mom always seems to bend backwards to make sure she can provide me all that she does. So I decided to get her a nice 32" flat screen for her birthday. Time for her to get rid of that other TV & upgrade to something sleek. I can't wait until she picks it up!
• Do you ever realize that the people you deal with on the day to day basis actually become a great part of your life?! Well I have & I wouldn't trade any of them. Not only have they become my day to day, my friends, but a family to me. They have taught me so much about life, told me so much & continue to help me build myself as a person. The main thing I learned with them is that no matter what little arguments you go through with one another you have to look past it. Not only for your sanity, but for the sake of what you have gained & built with that person. Seriously, if they even read any of this, thank you!

Obviously there's a lot of updates. Plenty that I haven't pin-pointed in here but just things I've come to realize, or what I want to share because I need to get it off my chest. Nothing changes who has come into my life, they are all experiences that I wouldn't go back on. Just because respect is lost, doesn't mean the love is. I love you, just don't respect you for what you've done. Do I support you? Absolutely! In whatever ends up making you happy. Clearly my parents & my day to day folks love & care for me even with my faults. All of this time, what I've been going out & doing, the way my outlook has changed - it's just all something new for me. More knowledge for me to gain from everything, more reason to learn how to control my anger, all the more reason to never stop being myself. In the end I am still happy!

"Because your best is your best, no matter what the outcome, your best is enough."

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving went well.

Talk to you soon lovies.

- Ahlexandria

Insightful Friday.

Lately as you can see I've been just sharing words with everyone. I've been taking what I see & translating them into what my mind can relate it to & how I hope you could relate. All of these affirmations, words of wisdom have been helping me lately. I've been reading books that help me get through my day to day, feel some sense of freedom from the world. They've also been keeping me calm during stressful situations. Although I am not some "new found" person, I am changing within me, mentally. I still am me - but with more knowledge. All I hope is to share this with others.

This has been something that I am always skeptical about. When I say what I feel it hurts people's feelings or they get on the defensive end of things. It's like why should I hold things in when I feel some kind of way all because I should completely consider your feelings? When in reality you didn't consider me when you acted how for me to have to say something. I shouldn't be left with disappointments & feeling weighed down all because people aren't considerate of me, their friend, someone they "love & care" for.

Being disappointed is something we will always encounter. Being honest with people is what people can't seem to face, especially words that in turn can burn down their egos. Some times people do need a reality check because they can't think what they do is ok. If someone was loyal to you, a lot of damaged they have done wouldn't be done. If you stay true to them, they should stay true to you. When people start pulling back from their compromises & promises, or their words in general of who they said they were, they are not real. People like that need a lot of self evaluation. & the funny this I realized is a lot of these people depend on others without even knowing. They feel that they need so much of something because they don't come to terms with the difference between needing and wanting. Once again, self evaluation!

To I've been evaluating myself, to cleanse myself, to free myself up from negative energy. I've been saying what I've been feeling, defending what I feel is right. & even when it's done, especially done for people, the appreciation is far from there. Thing with me is I will not change who I am because of someone else. They will eventually get what is deserved for the mistreatment of others.

I wrote something on Tumblr last night. It ended up being the source of this blog today...

I can’t even begin to explain the appreciation lately. The fact that something so simple can prove so much to me. Not even knowing me for years & stepping up completely & showing me that there’s people who really value people.

I can’t help but continue to say thank you. Thank you for not being like people who are in & have been in my life. Even if this is temporary. It’s blown away the ones who are around.

I think that sums up a lot of my feelings lately too.

Even if it's a temporary encounter with the people who have stepped in my life, I can't thank them enough. Thank them for allowing me to say what I feel & for them to reciprocate. They have shared nothing but the truth with me (as far as I know) & I can say I've done the exact same thing. When I've been around them it's like a sigh of relief. No tension, no worries, just "it is what it is" & great times!

I have no idea what I'm trying to get through this post, but hopefully someone who reads it understands me. lol

Have a great Friday folks!

xo's - Ahlexandria

I Walked Out On Her.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The decision I made walking out on her, to up & leave. I was so fed up, so tired of everything. I couldn't deal with the attitude anymore, the fighting, everything got too overwhelming. I needed a break, and my break ended up turning into a break up. I was so annoyed, I made one phone call, packed all my things and just walked on out of her house, her life.

This decision was completely in the moment, do I regret it? No, not for one second. It was what we both needed. If only I sat there and took the time to fix it after walking away from it all. Took the time to rekindle our love, the friendship we should have built, getting to know her. 'Til this day I wish I could, I wish I could fix how things turned out, but only time can tell what will happen. We still bump heads, we still are not as civil as I would have hoped we would be. We have so much animosity towards one another it makes things completely difficult.

That habit, the walking out of her, I don't want to do that again. I have threatened her so many times, telling her I'd walk out. I don't want to be that person to just up & leave when times get extremely hard for me. I need to learn to stick with it, no matter what tears & agony is causes.

All I can constantly say is sorry, because I am. But maybe one day I'll be able to show her.