#6: What If.....

Recently picking through my brain and just looking at different scenarios, I've been asking myself "What if....". Have you ever just sat there and asked yourself how things could be different and how they'd change if it didn't happen how it did?

Between flying and just having some nice time away from certain situations that I've needed to, I was able to reflect. Noticing how people are, what they do and say, how it then can upset me. Noticing that I shouldn't be bothered by what someone says and does as long as isn't directly effecting me. I've held back on what should be said and exploded. Building this anger and allowing it to just sit there instead of speaking on it because I would rather let it be. Thinking that people know what an adult relationship with others should be. Some times I forget that people are never going to see things how you do. I forget that people can be so selfish and not everyone will just go an extra mile.

When you feel abused whether that's physically or verbally, you don't ever get how much it beat you up until you take a second to sit back and observe. How someone can mentally and emotionally play with you just to benefit them. How someone could sit there and constantly expect so much from you, but not even giving you the inch of the same thing.

I prefer to be distant. Distant as if it was close enough to reach but completely out of my reach and not having to deal with it as much because I took that step. I would just prefer to live day to day and worry about what needs to be instead of who.

What if....

• people were different?
• people took the time to thank you?
• you didn't take that responsibility?
• you didn't make that move?
• you spoke up more?
• beat them with your words for once?
• took everything away?
• completely changed yourself?

Who knows. I won't. I can only worry about today.

#5: Adulthood

Looking back at pictures like this I realize that nothing can ever be like my childhood. Everything wasn't entirely perfect, but it sure seemed to have been for me. When we are younger we embrace all things that we love, all things that we like, everything that seems to catch our eye. As we get older we realize that sometimes that tight grip slowly begins to loosen up. Things change, times change, people change. Over the course of a few years you're no longer looking at the world for all the colors but you're looking at black, white and grays.

Each time I look at this picture I ask myself; Am I who I wanted to be? Am I still that same loving little kid? Does that adorable little boy still look up to me?

Being an adult isn't what I've expected. One thing I've noticed is that taking it day to day is mandatory. You can plan, but you have to take everything in stride. Do not rush, do not try and control the inevitable. You just have to gradually do what it takes to be a better you. Each day offers you a lesson, a lesson towards your greatest major - life.

Looking back at that picture it warms my heart. Although I know I am not perfect, there are many things that cannot amount to that hug. 'Til this day that little boy that turned into a handsome young man gives me strength that I never believed. By just speaking to me, confiding in me and allowing me to take part of his growing process. By me sharing my obstacles in becoming the adult that I am today, sharing adulthood. It is things just like that photo, those memories, that make me think of how beautiful life actually is if you just take a step back and see the pictures.

#2: See You Soon NY.

If anyone has followed me on Twitter and Instagram they know that I've made a huge move. Jes and I literally picked up and moved within a month to California. The story within itself is pretty hilarious, but we stuck to our word and we are making a home for ourselves here on the West Coast.

To just shed a bit of light on how it happened:
It was Jes' 24th birthday celebration one weekend and after one too many pitchers we decided that the best idea was to up and try something new. Due to some circumstances it was just about that time for the both of us. Drunken promises are really never kept between many people, but this one was one we were determined in January to make happen. So we officially decided on the 6th of January that it would be that time. We slowly broke it to our family then our friends. February 25th we were on a flight out to LAX and the rest is history.

As spontaneous as the move was, it definitely wasn't the easiest. Having to get rid of everything in your apartment, the place that you created into what you loved, it was hard. Leaving the lady of my life, my mom, all the way back home was another heart breaker. The craziest part of it all is that she was completely supportive of her only child taking this journey and experiencing her life just a little bit. I can't even begin to explain how blessed I am for that woman. The lack of friends wasn't easy, but we figured that we would just wing it all and see where it took us. Taking a risk entirely at a new life and I wouldn't change it.

There's this thing about moving farrrrrrrrrrr away; You end up opening your eyes to a lot of things. A LOT! I am grateful that I was strong enough to just up and go. I remember in 2009 I was going to do this same move, but that didn't happen as planned due to financial issues where I was planning on staying. NOW, it was all up to us. My mom was an large factor in making this a reality for us, but being over here having to battle it out is what shows you if you're capable.

The light shines through for you when you're distant. People booking flights right away to come visit whether it's just for a random weekend or even to celebrate your birthday. The attitude people have towards you because of strenuous situations or how they handle things when you are no longer in the picture. How life can just make a complete flip out of no where but the fact that you had some control over that change. It's unbelievable what you end up realizing. The action and words that follow through with one another or the ones that don't. Although it seems like it takes something so drastic, it was there the entire time.

Either way, New York will always be my home. The people I've met and shared parts of my life with will always be a part of my growing up and learning. My heart will always have a place on the East Coast. It was just time to live a little, try something out of the ordinary, act like I was really still in my 20's.

For now, I'll enjoy living a 15-20 minute walk down to the beach and the weather that SoCal offers me.

It's not goodbye, but it's more of a see you soon NY. Also, thank you. Thank you for everyone who has been there, who has given me the chance to experience and learn things that I never would have before.

Venice Beach - VSCO

It's December!

In just one weekend your life can do a complete 180 degrees. Now that I am alone in the apartment, there's tons of things that are going to be done within the next few weeks before the holidays. & when I say few, I mean like three weeks. lol

• Steff has moved out. It had me on edge, but honestly as I've stated, I really just want the best for her. We served our purposes in each other's life & hopefully by living with one another she learned something as I learned more than plenty.
• We'll see what ends up happening. A beautiful apartment with so much potential & now it all is up to me to see what will come from it. Guess you'll all find out in 2013 what ended up happening.
• I'm addicted to some of Rihanna's songs on her new album. Between her, the Miguel album & an underground group of rappers that I love. You guys should definitely check out B.I.C (Bitches Is Crazy) & their "Yo Soy Widdit" video. The editing & the rawness of it all drives the crazy bitch in me wild. I warn anyone checking out know it's rated R...seriously! lol.
• I'm emotionally unavailable. Emotions just get you in a heap of trouble & with that comes trusting the person with how you feel. Clearly friends or lovers are not ones to be 100% trusted right now. So I'm just living how I need to, loving myself.
• Three feelings I want to share: excited, nervous, scared. But with the proper communication, vibes & honesty it will definitely turn into something better than before.

Hope everyone is ready for the holidays. I will take photos of my life renovations soon.

- Ahlexandria

Another good song by B.I.C:

& Over The Course of a Few Weeks....

The panoramic photo I took of NYC.

A lot ends up happening. Between learning a lot of new things, finding out new things & just living life things just occur. With the this little "hiatus" I guess I've taken, more so because I didn't know what to write, it's crazy what comes along. My lack of writing has shown me so much more.

• Clearly my career as a professional blogger doesn't seem like it will ever happen. Maybe it's due to not being inspired, not knowing what to write, or unsure of how to say things. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone because they believe my words are directed towards them with my generalization. Then I realized I can't stop writing how I do or what I write because I care too much about what someone else thinks. That's my problem, I tend to care too much.
• It's not a lie when you're told your parents know you best. My mother & father know me in & out, they know how temperamental I am, my highs & lows. The thing that I appreciate the most is that despite it all they love me. My parents will tell me how it is, where I went wrong, where things are going. They provide me with blunt advice on how life is & how I could handle it. Even if I didn't go about it the right way they will help me see all sides of the fence. My father recently said "Life brings you things that you just have to take it & run with it. People shouldn't run away from the problems they will always linger. Those who can not confront it are scared of the outcome. Be yourself, you will get far by just being you because you are amazing even if you're flawed." Now my mom is not as calm as my dad. My dad has a subtle approach to things but has no problem putting a fist through someone's face. My mom on the other hand has this "Fuck you if you fuck me over & you'll know I'm not about this shit" approach. I guess it's a mother's instinct to protect their children, but even if so she just says: "No one likes to hear negative about themselves, I know I hate it. If you have to lash out there must be some underlying reason for it. If people would listen the first time around they wouldn't be so offended when it was repeated." The joy of parents, the way I love them, the support they've provided me through recent times.
• As it comes to it people change, relationships change, things are not the same. I recently found out that Steff is looking to move out. Even if she wants to deny it or say "At the moment I am not going anywhere" or "It is not your concern, I owe you no explanation" - in the end it's me who she lives with. When I wanted to leave I told her (even if it wasn't the nicest way) & it's me who she's fucking over. By all means, if she doesn't want to tell me I don't mind, but I clearly know otherwise. Apparently questioning the lease wasn't the only thing, but the fact that this world is soooo small is what blows me away. My friend moved into a place with someone else & they have a third room they're looking to rent. A "$700 room for rent" & Steff's e-mail was one they received. How do I know? Well my friend came to my house & has met Steff. I tagged Steff on Instagram & she asked me "What's the 'Vee' stand for?" I told her it's her last name -so & so-. Guess she remembered it pretty well & mentioned it to me, the e-mail & all. I let out the ultimate laugh. Steff is right about one thing she owes me no explanation, but be decent enough to tell me straight up. It's ok though, I wish her nothing but the best with her search for a new place & her endeavors. She's an amazing person & all of the crap we're going through doesn't make me stop loving her. We all fuck up & think what we do isn't wrong. Shit! I didn't think cursing her out & telling her she was a fucked up friend & roommate was wrong, still don't. It is what it is. As outlandish as it all sounds it's just things that end up being those little "outcomes" of choices made. I will just wait for that notice so I can help get the apartment situated into a better place.
• Cyber Monday is really not all it's made out to be. I was dying to try & get tons of new electronics for the living room set up I have in mind & kitchen appliances. TUH! I didn't think the deals were all that great except for one crock pot/slow cooker I was waiting for. Walmart had this 6 quartz slow cooker for $9.44. You can only imagine how fast that ended up going! Although my self purchases were a fail, I didn't fail on one thing. I got my mom an awesome birthday gift that was long overdue. My mom always seems to bend backwards to make sure she can provide me all that she does. So I decided to get her a nice 32" flat screen for her birthday. Time for her to get rid of that other TV & upgrade to something sleek. I can't wait until she picks it up!
• Do you ever realize that the people you deal with on the day to day basis actually become a great part of your life?! Well I have & I wouldn't trade any of them. Not only have they become my day to day, my friends, but a family to me. They have taught me so much about life, told me so much & continue to help me build myself as a person. The main thing I learned with them is that no matter what little arguments you go through with one another you have to look past it. Not only for your sanity, but for the sake of what you have gained & built with that person. Seriously, if they even read any of this, thank you!

Obviously there's a lot of updates. Plenty that I haven't pin-pointed in here but just things I've come to realize, or what I want to share because I need to get it off my chest. Nothing changes who has come into my life, they are all experiences that I wouldn't go back on. Just because respect is lost, doesn't mean the love is. I love you, just don't respect you for what you've done. Do I support you? Absolutely! In whatever ends up making you happy. Clearly my parents & my day to day folks love & care for me even with my faults. All of this time, what I've been going out & doing, the way my outlook has changed - it's just all something new for me. More knowledge for me to gain from everything, more reason to learn how to control my anger, all the more reason to never stop being myself. In the end I am still happy!

"Because your best is your best, no matter what the outcome, your best is enough."

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving went well.

Talk to you soon lovies.

- Ahlexandria

I've Lost My Mind Plenty....

& this quote fits what goes on with me perfectly!

T i m e  h e a l s  a l l .

Very true in many forms. I've lost my mind, myself & everything that comes along with sanity. I know I'm crazy, but even by being crazy & this weirdo, I'm happy! There are times where stress does get the best of me, where people are complete disappointments, where I am not on the up & up; but damn....it feels so good to know that I can find my happy place.

I've done so many things to reach that point. I've found so many ways to relieve stress, to be happy, to just look at the bigger picture. I am not perfect & I know this. I do what I have to do & continue to do it because it's what has to be done. Those who can not stay true to who they are, who let so many things change them & can not continue to stick to things - those are people who will lose themselves. Being crazy is who I am. I don't think I am sane, even though a lot of times it seems so. I am out of control, loose at the mouth, but at the end of the day I'm me. I hold it together as best as I can & I've started not caring about a lot of things that can not be changed. I can not change people & their priorities & how much they suck. I can not change the weather, nor can I change how the world works. All I can do is adapt, accept it & continue about my day to day.

Although I love to evaluate all of it; question, wonder, think of what was said & done - I will not allow it to get the best of me. People will no longer get the best of me. Feelings will be feelings in that moment & something I will have to overcome. If I lose out, I lose out. There will be something that comes along to just replace that loss.

I have been more to myself, more focused on hobbies (ie: food blog). I've met new people, gotten to know people I do better & learned who holds what place in my life. Some people have been demoted & I am absolutely ok with that. Their actions, their words, where I'm at, what I do, it all doesn't seem to fit one another. Life is like a puzzle piece we are trying to figure out and put together. Just know, everyone will also have that missing piece. If it's not that missing piece they will always have a piece they are trying their best to fit in.

T h i n k  a b o u t  i t !

Don't ever doubt what your mind and heart are capable of. Do it because it feels right, but know that whatever decision you make there are occurrences/consequences that then follow. Don't want to stay true to you work, don't want to keep promises, want to put whomever helped you get to where you are aside, want to act like you're better, want to not care - it all comes with something.

My mind randomly typing it all up.

- Ahlexandria

Clearing Up 8.10

I find it interesting the amount of hits that post received. I got messaged and questioned as to why I would write that & then it dawned on me maybe my wording was incorrect.

If you've followed me for some time now, here or on Twitter, you'll know that I do not live with my Mom. I live with Steff in an apartment. People have asked for advice on how to live with someone, or how can you even live with a best friend. Simply, it comes down to rules & that was the message I was trying to state. That no matter WHO it is that you live with there has to be rules set in order to be able to live with someone. The fact that is came off offensive, eh...it's more of a research & experience based blog.

When certain messages come into play like that where they start to question what is going on in my household, it's like personal blogs can only be taken so far. I can not stress the fact that if I want to share with someone I will. When it comes to certain things, there is nothing to state than what I do here. Considering this, I think I've been an open book with my readers. I wouldn't want to not be who I am all to keep people interested. Of course some things will be more intriguing than others, but all I can do is share what I want to in that moment.

For those of you understanding the point in last Friday's post, thank you. Thank you everyone for all of your feedback & curiosity. My mission in blogging is not only be able to vent, but to share myself with all of you. Hopefully by doing so you can relate to me.

With that said - 

Enjoy your weekend everyone!

xo - Ahlexandria

"I want a roommate!"

I've been getting a lot of questions how to live with a roommate, how do I live with someone who is considered my best friend. Tons of people are considering moving out, finding a place with either their best friend, or renting a room from someone they know especially with September & college life. Let me just say no matter which you choose they are not easy.

Living on your own would seem like the simpler choice, but financially it might not be right or even some times just getting lonely. The perks of living on your own, solely you - it's your space, you only have to worry about yourself & if there's a mess it's yours & only yours. Now you would think, "Well that's the same case with roommates". Even with a friend or best friend, they can easily take advantage of it because they feel they can get over on you. Some times if you're going to live with someone, someone you don't know as well can be better to live with. So, no matter who you live with there has to be rules you agree upon prior to moving in. For example: Our rules were rotation of who takes out the trash, who washes the dishes depending on who cooks, cleaning once a week, no hair in the tub, toothpaste in the sink & splitting bills & food down the middle. The only way you can enforce these rules are by; constantly setting reminders & hope that the person/people you live with doesn't go back on what the priorities are for the home you both share, & respecting the agreement you came to with them from the beginning.

The problem a lot of times, more than most, people get too comfortable. One person can tackle more than one responsibility because the other person/people aren't holding their end of the deal. So chore charts are in place, or calenders to mark what was done. Once you see or just know your name is there all the time, then you have a choice to make. You can either reiterate the agreements, make changes, or do less of so the other person can step up. I personally just continue to do what I have to do for my home because at the end of the day it's where I live, & I benefit from it because it is me who will learn from everything. Laziness & being tired is understandable, but that constantly happening becomes an issue.

No matter what it is that you do; working, school, getting wasted - there is a responsibility that you signed yourself to,that you agreed to with someone. By not holding up your end, by slacking off all the time, by thinking someone is always going to do everything or cater to you, you are wrong. Eventually the person you live with will get fed up. There are tons of tips to living with people, great ones in fact (all websites listed below).

To anyone who is considering living with someone else, the people who keep asking me about it my word of advice is:

• Make sure there are rules set in place from the beginning.
• Make sure the rules are followed through the entire time.
• Sit down & talk about: how things are going at work, home & life.
• Keeping an open form of communication.
• Don't do more than your share especially if the other person doesn't care.
• Make sure the bills are paid on time between all parties.
• If bills aren't paid on time make sure it is made up for some how.
• Don't let anyone take advantage of you.
• Living with friends can possibly ruin your friendship.
• Some times you have to think to just do for yourself.
• Make an example & if that is not enough, leave it to them to learn.
• Set up goals for your home that you all agree upon.
• Remind your roommate/yourself of the agreements from the beginning.
• If things get hard say it.
• If you need help with things & they're too "blind" leave them a note or say so.
• Do not let anyone borrow anything without knowing it will be returned.
• If everything is divided equally, make sure it's paid at the same time.

There's probably a whole list more but these websites can definitely help.

1. Roommate Survival Guide
2. Tips & Tricks for Living With Roommates
3. Surviving Your Roommate/Surviving Yourself

Good luck!
- Ahlexandria

All of this is from experience from living with people, friends from my Mom's home (renters & friends), to staying with people, to living with a person I was with, to my apartment now.