#8: SmallChicksBigEats.Com

I'm so overwhelmed with all these emotions that I don't even know where to begin with this post. First and foremost, thank you to everyone who believes in this. The people who have not only spread the word, who have donated to help SmallChicksBigEats start their ventures, but the people who are loyal readers.

I've been reflecting a lot more with seeing how hard work really does show itself. People believe in those who work hard and want to make things happen. It's about never giving up and continuing to build on your dreams and goals. Two years ago this wouldn't have happened. Two years ago either I wasn't at the place or my partner at the time wasn't in the right place. It was just an idea, an outlet for food but never something that was eating at us to become reality.

Things then began to fall apart. My household was in shambles, mentally I wasn't there and I couldn't write anything. My creativity had lacked and all that came with it was put on the back burner. It wasn't until a few months after I mentioned to my new roommate, Jes, how I wanted to start getting back into it. She has a love of cooking herself and I thought her taking part in it would be good. Cooking is soul cleansing so is eating great tasting food. #SCBE became something we dabbled in from time to time, but the move to California is what did it.

California was a fresh start to life. It was a way for us to do things we couldn't have imagined ourselves doing prior. I mean....we did move all the way across country, what could stop us from there? The only thing I didn't want was someone who would half ass it. I didn't want to sit here and have to bug someone to want to take part in something that I saw so much potential in. Jes and I got our reality check once we noticed the feedback we were getting. Feedback on; our simple dishes that we put up for the sake of sharing the love we put into meals, how healthy food can be tasty, how good it feels to be able to feed yourself something other than microwavable food. We were driven by everyone who contributed and it all took hold of us from there.

There's so much more to this story but this is the basics of how SmallChicksBigEats started. All of this just shows how sometimes you have to step away from it and go back to it in order to focus your time and energy on it. It is impossible for something to be successful if you're not 100%+ in it. I am there and I am going to assume that my partner is as well, because look at all she's contributed and done thus far. It is quite amazing what can form from an idea as long as you set your mind to it.

Anyways, with all of that said I just want to thank everyone again. To the people who continue to spread the word, donate, share good vibes and continue to be my inspiration and motivation. To my immediate friends who get to taste the food and be critics. To Jes for taking this journey with me and turning it around. Most importantly, to myself for never letting all the negative chew me alive and make me think that it'll never be possible.

Remember if you believe in yourself, others will too. Hard work does not go unnoticed. Be genuine and grateful because it'll come back to you when you least expect it.

Happy eating, cooking and loving food!
- Ahlexandria

It's About That Time....

The distance I've grown from all of this, from my blog. I've been trying to think of what to write, how to keep readers interested. It finally hit me, writing is for me. This blog is for me & those who share it with me, I hope it has become something for you too. I have been in hiding, been so enclosed doing things that I have to. I've been focusing on myself, trying to handle my emotions, renovating the apartment, working. It's finally time, time for me to share myself, to let all of these clouded feelings go & it comes to doing it right here.

I've been in love. I still love.

I've lost love. I've hurt love.

I miss love. But I am love.

Between the issues that have gone on at home, with trying to just lead a day to day life, I realized love to many is essential. As much as I've tried blocking it off I just can't. I still love people, I've grown to love people, I've fallen for people who I still care for. We are human, we think more than we should, we have feelings that we wish we didn't. Avoiding everything about love has been what I've tried doing.

My ex & I broke up last year around July. We have spoken on & off about things, but never went through getting back together officially. Why? I wasn't ready. I felt that I needed to focus on myself & better myself. If I am not a better person how can our relationship possibly work? We tried being together & working things out, but maybe something different would help. I kept my life moving forward, after a few months started to get to know people especially due to the distance her & I created. & even between then everyone knew my terms: "I am not looking for anything. I am just getting to know people. I am focusing on myself." I did not (still don't) want a relationship, I did not (still don't) want to be serious with anyone, but I can't help that I myself am an emotional person. I like to tell you that you interest me & why. If there was something that you did, that I found beauty in I'd let you know. The downfall of all of this, people think that you're trying to be serious.

Throughout this I didn't stop loving my ex. She was & still is someone I love & care deeply about. But things change, people change & we were together for the reasons we were. The past is in the past for many reasons & I keep telling myself "You can't hold onto someone when things aren't eye to eye." We weren't & still aren't eye to eye with one another. But what I was avoiding? I was avoiding loving & being hurt. What happened? I got hurt. I felt like there was an ultimatum - be with me now, or there's nothing at all . All I wanted was to improve myself, to better myself, figure out who I am & was becoming. But the choice was to do that with her or she had someone lined up to be with. This coming from the person who still doesn't know what she is going to do with herself.

I've "dated" I guess you can say, got to know people out there. There's one thing I refuse to do, I refuse to blame anyone for what happens between my ex & myself. The "baggage" I have (or had at this point), is not something that should influence something in the future. I'm not looking for anything, but I do know that I am capable of loving beyond what I've expected. Enduring so much, my ex & I, my ex's! & I enduring all that we have with one another; & all I want is the best for them. Is that so wrong? I say that not out of sarcasm but with actual love & because I know they deserve it. We all deserve happiness. We deserve the best for us!

My ex is just an example of love lost. There is so much heartache that comes with loving, with trying to put yourself first for once. But I can not allow myself to give in to something I am not ready for. That I do not see at a state of being able to be fixed. There are sacrifices we all have to make & there's a point that you will end up hurt due to it. Just don't give up on yourself & know you're strong enough to experience the outcome of the decision you've made.

I've cried. It's ok. I've screamed. & that's fine too. We all handle things differently. We find someone else to involve ourselves with to move on. We just go into hiding to not have to worry about any outside feelings other the ones that we need to deal with. You find out a lot more about everything when you take a step back from everything. Whether you do it for a month, three months or like me going on eight months & still letting it happen, you do end up figuring it out. You figure out what's best for you & who is best to have in your life.

It's about time that I poured my heart out to my blog. This was the space where my inner thoughts spewed out. I can't give this up because this is one form of sanity. Hopefully with this I have given myself the proper closure to the love I once had & I can move on to new. I've found new things, experienced new things, but I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt there is an ending to that chapter. This is the end to that chapter. & I will continue to remind myself: it's absolutely fine to be vulnerable, but know that you can end up hurt.

With love on Valentine's Day.

- Ahlexandria

I've Lost My Mind Plenty....

& this quote fits what goes on with me perfectly!

T i m e  h e a l s  a l l .

Very true in many forms. I've lost my mind, myself & everything that comes along with sanity. I know I'm crazy, but even by being crazy & this weirdo, I'm happy! There are times where stress does get the best of me, where people are complete disappointments, where I am not on the up & up; but damn....it feels so good to know that I can find my happy place.

I've done so many things to reach that point. I've found so many ways to relieve stress, to be happy, to just look at the bigger picture. I am not perfect & I know this. I do what I have to do & continue to do it because it's what has to be done. Those who can not stay true to who they are, who let so many things change them & can not continue to stick to things - those are people who will lose themselves. Being crazy is who I am. I don't think I am sane, even though a lot of times it seems so. I am out of control, loose at the mouth, but at the end of the day I'm me. I hold it together as best as I can & I've started not caring about a lot of things that can not be changed. I can not change people & their priorities & how much they suck. I can not change the weather, nor can I change how the world works. All I can do is adapt, accept it & continue about my day to day.

Although I love to evaluate all of it; question, wonder, think of what was said & done - I will not allow it to get the best of me. People will no longer get the best of me. Feelings will be feelings in that moment & something I will have to overcome. If I lose out, I lose out. There will be something that comes along to just replace that loss.

I have been more to myself, more focused on hobbies (ie: food blog). I've met new people, gotten to know people I do better & learned who holds what place in my life. Some people have been demoted & I am absolutely ok with that. Their actions, their words, where I'm at, what I do, it all doesn't seem to fit one another. Life is like a puzzle piece we are trying to figure out and put together. Just know, everyone will also have that missing piece. If it's not that missing piece they will always have a piece they are trying their best to fit in.

T h i n k  a b o u t  i t !

Don't ever doubt what your mind and heart are capable of. Do it because it feels right, but know that whatever decision you make there are occurrences/consequences that then follow. Don't want to stay true to you work, don't want to keep promises, want to put whomever helped you get to where you are aside, want to act like you're better, want to not care - it all comes with something.

My mind randomly typing it all up.

- Ahlexandria