Some Thoughts.

My ex being one of them. I miss her, I really do. When you are involved with someone for so much time, you really do end up missing them. Problem is I've realized how much things have changed. We have become two different people. What she has done to me has completely torn me, made me someone who I know I'm not. The worst thing about this is that you end up hurting those, or being someone you aren't, with new people wanting to be in your life. I can never say what will happen down the line, but for right now her & I need all the space possible. She can hate me & be spiteful towards me, I know I do the same. Never was it right for all the abuse that occurred during our relationship. I may not have said nice things, but bruises, not being able to breathe, hands around my neck weren't the solution to our fights. I am bitter because of this relationship, I am someone who I know I hate being. I've really brought myself down because of this.

So now that I am down I have tried finding ways to start new. I even made a decision to just get up and leave. It's happening! How it's going to turn out I have no clue, but I know I need this for myself. I know I need this for my own sanity. I need to better myself, become the great person people once saw of me, now this evil person who just hates the world.

I just want things to get better. I know things won't get better right away, but that is my focus to make them get better. I cut myself off many social networking sites just not to deal with the drama. The drama I had wasn't what I wanted, it wasn't fair to anyone involving it. People always find a way, especially if they're determined. If someone hates you, they will involve you. It's a matter of knowing what to believe, knowing that's true or not. Also, you have to be capable of distancing yourself from all of that. That is what I am doing. I have some people who deserve an apology. I hope they know who they met recently isn't who I actually am. I hope they give me another chance. If I can forgive, I hope they do too. I don't want to be shut out, or put into a category because of this. THIS IS NOT ME!

I've been dragging myself around, depressed, sad. I even sat there wanting everything to end, crying, letting my body get so upset that my illnesses start reacting to it & I'm in a bathroom just there.

I CAN NO LONGER BE THIS WAY!