Long Stripped Dress.

A lovely blogger Dari gave me a suggestion of doing OOTD (Outfit of the Days). Now if you know me or have read my about me, you will know I am far from a fashionista. But I figured it would be a cool idea to show what I threw together, whether it's simple or funky, because a lot of what I wear I toss on & find for CHEAP (for the most part at least)!

This was a long dress that I got online from Forever 21 for $10. It was huge on me so I threw on a tan belt with my off-white quarter sleeve cardigan. I thought it was nice especially with the way the weather has been & I could wear it to work during the week. Thank goodness it was comfortable & kept my legs warm in the AC.

Pinkberry Addict.

Mango frozen yogurt with Kiwi, Strawberries, Raspberries & Fruity Pebbles.

It's one thing for me to be addicted to Hello Kitty & sushi, but PINKBERRY?! YESSS! It's found a way to my heart. Even with a little bit of money I will manage to squeeze in the room for some delicious Mango topped with fruits and Fruity pebbles. Thanks to Glo, I am all over it. I will take myself for the most part. I've gone with maybe two other people the past 10 times I've been there. Other then that, it's just me & this delicious picker upper. If I'm having Pinkberry it's because I'm either: 1) Craving it. 2) Really down. 3) It's hot out, it's healthy & it's so damn DELICIOUS! :)

Today it was more than needed to make me feel just a bit better.

Sunday - Pride.

As much of a let down it was not to go to Pride yesterday, I couldn’t. I ended up being taken care of & having to make a visit to the ER. I hate hospitals, I hate it because of the germs, the wait, the fact that I’m in a hospital period. I know a few people who were probably disappointed, but I need to worry about my health first. I am proud of my love for women, I am happy to be apart of the LGBTQ community, I have celebrated before & although I am not a fan of some things, it would have been nice to be there with those who matter to me & are rejoicing with me. I can’t change that now though because when I think things are slowly coming together, they are slowly falling apart in other aspects.

I’m always tired, I’m always in pain & turning to pain medicine will not help solve anything. Clearly not every doctor is meant to be a doctor either. I need to cleanse myself, maybe that will help one of the issues, but for now I have to maintain what I can. With barely any sleep, I got up & made sure I was at work. I tried to make sure I didn’t look out of it, I wasn’t too tired. I don’t want what happens with my body to effect everything entirely (although it seems like it already has).

I’m taking deep breaths, just hoping that things turn around, or I can stay strong.
- Ahlexandria

Legalization of Gay Marriage in NY!

What a way to go to sleep, what a way to wake up. Never could I have I imagined the thought of marrying a woman would be legal. Finally our civil rights as gay women and men has come true. I can love who I want, build a family with them, but most of all have a beautiful wedding & legally call them my wife. The option of being able to spend the rest of my life with a woman is such a beautiful concept, now it can finally be put into motion.

Last night I was teary eyed, but this morning I am. Seeing all the pictures going around on the internet, seeing how happy everyone is, especially being pride weekend here in NY. It's madness, the streets being as packed as they are, filled with people who have been together for decades, finally capable of loving each other eternally & having their wife or husband, not just the "title".

It hit me more knowing that less than a year ago I was proposed to. I was "engaged" & if we were still together we'd be putting together our wedding & holding, kissing, loving one another celebrating this moment with one another. The thought of that, of knowing how thrilled she would be, looking at me, talking about our future together, that made me cry. But now I know that when she does find the one for her, even if in the future it isn't me, she will be able to wed to the one she loves.

So to her & to everyone in the LGBTQ community, FINALLY! Such a joyous moment & great way to kick off Pride weekend. I hope you all don't marry someone lightly, marriage is a blessed and sacred commitment you should have with someone 'Til death do you part'. To all who supported all of us who have been reaching for this, thank you. This is a milestone that we all cried, cheered, were completely speechless about.

With that said, good morning everyone. The world is slowly changing. All you have to do is fight for what you believe in & it can take you any where.

- Ahlexandria

A Damaged Camera.

I forgot to update everyone on what happened with my beautiful, expensive camera! While I was in Jamaica I thought it would be cool to take it with me while ziplining/canopying through the jungle. It was one of the most amazing & incredible experiences I ever got the chance to do, especially releasing all the stress by screaming at the top of my lungs on six different lines. One of them was 1000 feet across above all the trees in the jungle, I almost died screaming “Watagwan” all the way across.

But back to the point of this lol: My camera that I purchased back in March I believe – Canon EOS 600 (Rebel T3i) it got water damage. At the beginning of the excursion it was a light drizzle, I had the camera wrapped up, but I guess it just didn’t work. I did get some footage and videos flying across the first zipline & river, but now my poor baby doesn’t turn on. I still have to see if I can exchange it at Best Buy with the warranty, if not I’m screwed lol. At least my trip was ALL WORTH IT!

I will try getting the pictures from the trip up this weekend, especially the little video that I got. Let's see if I can also get my camera fixed. :(

Top 10 Relationship Killers.

As I browse through my daily reads I found this on Jazmin's blog:

1. Social Networks
2. Being friends with your EX!
3. He SAID, she SAID!
4. Excuses after excuses
5. Lying over dumb shit instead of being honest
6. Always bringing up the past.
7. Crazy Ex-girlfriendsssss
8. Saying “I love you” & not meaning it
9. Making promises you can’t keep
10. Still acting single while your in a relationship

Isn't this the truth?!



HELP?!

I’ve been needing inspiration to write, needing some ideas. If anyone is curious about something, or has any idea of what I should post, please let me know. I’m willing to take in all ideas for writing, picture posts, even just random questions to answer in depth. I want to get back on things, but my mind has been completely blank.

It takes courage to write to someone. The worst part of it all is not knowing whether they want to hear from you or not. As much as I'd like a response back I don't expect one because honestly you never know what can be said. Hopefully they took the time to read what I had to say & find a way to forgive me. I am not asking to be in their life right now, maybe some where down the line when it's more acceptable for the both of us. It's really up to them because I put my pride aside for that moment to reach out.

-Sigh-
There goes that.

Some Thoughts.

My ex being one of them. I miss her, I really do. When you are involved with someone for so much time, you really do end up missing them. Problem is I've realized how much things have changed. We have become two different people. What she has done to me has completely torn me, made me someone who I know I'm not. The worst thing about this is that you end up hurting those, or being someone you aren't, with new people wanting to be in your life. I can never say what will happen down the line, but for right now her & I need all the space possible. She can hate me & be spiteful towards me, I know I do the same. Never was it right for all the abuse that occurred during our relationship. I may not have said nice things, but bruises, not being able to breathe, hands around my neck weren't the solution to our fights. I am bitter because of this relationship, I am someone who I know I hate being. I've really brought myself down because of this.

So now that I am down I have tried finding ways to start new. I even made a decision to just get up and leave. It's happening! How it's going to turn out I have no clue, but I know I need this for myself. I know I need this for my own sanity. I need to better myself, become the great person people once saw of me, now this evil person who just hates the world.

I just want things to get better. I know things won't get better right away, but that is my focus to make them get better. I cut myself off many social networking sites just not to deal with the drama. The drama I had wasn't what I wanted, it wasn't fair to anyone involving it. People always find a way, especially if they're determined. If someone hates you, they will involve you. It's a matter of knowing what to believe, knowing that's true or not. Also, you have to be capable of distancing yourself from all of that. That is what I am doing. I have some people who deserve an apology. I hope they know who they met recently isn't who I actually am. I hope they give me another chance. If I can forgive, I hope they do too. I don't want to be shut out, or put into a category because of this. THIS IS NOT ME!

I've been dragging myself around, depressed, sad. I even sat there wanting everything to end, crying, letting my body get so upset that my illnesses start reacting to it & I'm in a bathroom just there.

I CAN NO LONGER BE THIS WAY!

God-Family.

Saturday (as I dated this back to the date of), was an amazing day. I bar tended a college graduation bbq for a girl I've known since I was about 10. Her, my God-sister & myself all grew up together. While I was serving drinks someone screams my name. I look up & it's my God-sister! I was extremely happy when I saw her, then my God-mother, then my beautiful God-daughter & God-son I haven't seen in FOREVER! Due to family issues, I distanced myself from a lot of people, especially them. It's a bad habit that I do & it made me miss seeing my little ones grow up! In a way I was completely disappointed, but when they enjoyed being around me, smiled, giggled & splashed water all over me, I knew that I wouldn't ever let that happen again. Later that day I got to see my God-brothers & how much they have matured. It's crazy how time changes, when you grow up with people how their life turns out.

My God-daughter's 4th birthday is coming up in a week & her birthday is at the end of the month. She already told me what she wants; "Titi I want a Jesse hat." You know, Jesse from Toy Story?! LOL, she's the cutest thing, I have been on my search. My God-son will get a little gift too because I can't leave him out. When Audrianna was born I was there that same day looking at her, loving her at that very moment. She's so big now, so precious! The picture I have framed of her as a baby, the one's with her & Santa, now just how smart she is. Lucas, he's a little munchkin brat, but he's the cutest little boy I swear.

I just wanted to share that, also some pictures of them. :)

This is Lucas. He is a little monkey.



Audri is Titi's princess & she is so cheery.



He's such a grump & she's such the diva.

The fact that I haven’t heard from you really has been lingering my mind, you have been invading my mind! I don’t know how to explain how much I miss your laugh, your smile, just being able to hug & kiss you. What else is there for me to do but just let you be? What else can I do but give you what you asked for & respecting your decisions?

I hope whenever I see you I will get that hug, that look, you will get that high that you once had with me. Maybe you will see that there is someone out there willing to take it all at an easy pace with you. There is so much more to get to know, more to understand, no matter how long you have known someone there is always more.

Sigh.

June.

It's the second of the month & I have already posted as if we were one week into June. It's clear that coming home from my wonderful vacation a lot of things have happened. I wish I could specifically state it's one person, but there are a few people that have let me down. There have been a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of hurt, constant damage being done. It's hard to sit here & say "Well my ex is a complete jerk" when she isn't the only one who is making things difficult. My feelings are completely all over the place & there are times that I blame myself too.

I'm trying to be who I once was, but with the experiences that I have under my belt to build me. In reality, who I once was will never be again because once you have experienced so much you become a new person. Learning is consistent in all our day to day lives. Every time we have to deal with something, even if it's work related, school related, friend/relationships, we always seem to realize something new from it all. I have taken this point & embraced the fact that nothing remains the same, but you learn something new every day.

I like to write with no names because I don't want to pin point who. Blogging allows others to read what you feel, what you want to share & nothing in it says that I have to be completely direct with who is involved. I feel by sharing what is going on should be a lot to relate to already no matter who the person actually is. If someone was to ask because they are curious then I would feel free to share that with them. For the most part, I believe, all that I am saying is still a post that others can relate to, or get into my mind.

Right now, I am just really on the fence of caring & not giving a flying fuck! Some things I care about, some things I could just give a damn. Not everyone is worth my time, my emotions or even worth raising my blood pressure for. My health is a concern of mine, being mad over things that I can't control has been hard, but I keep reminding myself "There was nothing that could have been done." When someone else makes a decision & when I try reaching out to fix things, or even reach out to just let them know I miss them, I care, I can't do anything more when they turn their back. It bothers me, but why should I give a part of me to myself to someone who can't appreciate it?!

I am considering rereading this book that I know would help me proceed with not caring about the small things. I need it, but yet I want to start reading a new book to help me with other aspects of life. Self help books have become a big purchase for me. I have been trying every two weeks, or at least once a month to get books that I have seen look interesting. I'm going to build my collection & better myself little by little. Nothing can be fixed over night, & if it does how good of a job was actually done?

So with this long winded blog I will leave it off at:
I hope you all have a beautiful day. Maybe I will have more to say in 30 minutes from now, or maybe not until tomorrow morning. BUT until then, thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for continuing to follow me & be apart of what my mind & heart wants to share.

& to the person that I am thinking of, that I hope is thinking of me, know that I miss you.

- Ahlexandria

Truly does bother me that I want to talk to you, but I just choose not to. With the way I have been feeling & how things played out, I know that I would be giving in to someone who doesn’t appreciate the person they had. If someone misses you, & they know they had fault in a situation, they’d find a way to reach out to you, they’d sit there and make things better. When a person has too much pride to even do that, it makes you reconsider what you actually meant to them, if you ever meant anything.

Only time can tell what will happen. It’s all a matter of being patient & waiting it all out. I can’t write to someone when I already tried reaching out & they shut me down. They are better at running away from their problems, because they can’t face their true feelings.

When you speak to someone about things that happen, about how they are & they say they will fix it you expect that. When they finally open up about the situation you would think they would follow through with their words. After all of that & you see them give up & run away it just makes you rethink if they ever meant anything they said.

There's something inside me that still seems to care about things. As much as I have started not to & begin to just shrug my shoulders to everything, at the same time I easing into letting things go with so many things. If it's not certain situations, or how I would feel about things, it's the people who it's all involved with. Now in some sense this is positive, or this is completely negative. Depending on the circumstance & what I not caring about anymore it can just be bad. When I stop caring about people there won't be a way to really come back into my life. Right now I still care just a little bit because of piece of me doesn't want to let people who I know have potential slip away. I can't help but let them though when they aren't helping in any way to make it better. Not caring about certain situations can benefit me, as well as certain people. It just helps me continue on with whatever I am doing & not want to look back.

When I start finding more reasons to not care, when I find more things that just show the lack of respect, or even just when I see something that blows mine completely, then I start letting it sink all in. I take it for what it is & I refuse to beg or to try to justify anything anymore. I begin to become distant & disappear. So in the end I either lost out on a good person in my life (but if they were good you'd think they'd be more about wanting to be around & more understanding), or they possibly lost out on someone good in theirs.

Please, I ask of those of you that are in my life, don't tell me one thing just to push me away, it hurts! Tell me something yet you're doing the complete opposite. You aren't being honest with me & you're just lying to yourself. & if that's the case you are messing with not one but anyone's emotions in your life because you are confused. Be careful what you say.