I've Lost It

COMPLETELY!
As much as I want to update everyone about my trip, I have had the hardest time since I have come home. Good things only last for so long, so do good feelings. I went the extra mile so fed up from everyone & everything & deleted my Tumblr, my Twitter (which I rarely used anymore) & I haven't had Facebook since last summer. I can't deal with all these sites and the people that are on it. Don't get me wrong I have met some amazing people who are now considered friends, but lately it's all about issues & people have no respect for one another. I just can't deal with that!

I am a very caring person, & I am more emotional then others. This happens a lot more when I am juggling more then one thing & I get let down. I have to say i ended up disappointed by someone throughout the past two days because they were not about their actions. & even when given the opportunity to fix it how they said they would, they still shut me out. So it makes it seem like you don't want to get to know me or want me to get to know you. Getting to know someone entails a lot more then hi, byes & hanging out. You have to trust that they won't hurt you & let your guard down. If I can do it after all the hurt & mess I've dealt with, you could too. I am not out here to hurt anyone, I more than know what it feels like. So to that person; even despite the headache for the past two days, I honestly feel all you did was give up instead of just start on a clean state with someone who is willing to learn from you & hoped it would be vise versa. I am only going so hard despite the time knowing you because I know you are being guarded, i know that you feel more than whatever. Some times you just have to take a risk and tell yourself there's nothing to lose if you try.

That is just ONE of the very minor issues I have dealt with. I can say I am completely fed up with everything & that I didn't even want to wake up this morning to get ready. I am at an all time low & being out of work didn't work for an extra day. So I have to put up this fake smile & do what I have to do. I will be sharing more on here because I have a lot to say & I need to let it all out. I just can't involve myself with other sites that too many people just misunderstand all that is being said & feel my words are there to stab them.

Next post in a few.
For now good morning everyone!

Quick Update.

Yesterday was my BIRTHDAY! :)
I have to say I had the most amazing time. I'm just briefly updating everyone & I will later on write about everything in whole - I have a lot to say about it all. BUT, I just wanted to thank everyone who wished me birthday love, who came out to see me, who spent all that time with me. You have all put smiles to my faces, made my birthday more than what I expected it to be.

I am away on my birthday vacation, my gift to myself, here in Jamaica. It's is absolutely GORGEOUS! Every year it's a tradition between my friend & I to take ourselves some where for our birthday. This year we decided to come to Jamaica & I can't even say I regret the decision any bit. Things like this, times away like this, help me ease my mind. It lets me realize the beauty there is to life & I appreciate being able to see it all. Even being sick I manage to make sure that there is something worth looking forward to & this happens to be one of those. One more memory I can put under my belt, with someone amazing & something I can always cherish. Another country down in my book, another get away I have released my soul to.

Talk to you all soon. I will try to update with some pictures when I get the chance.
xo - Ahlexandria

"Lesson Learned".

I am glad that for you, I was the person who had to suffer while you learned about yourself. Now when you finally have turned yourself around I won't be the one reaping the benefits of it, the next person will. So while I was the one who was beat, choked, played for a fool, taken advantage of - the next person will get the better side of you. I'm glad that you could do that for yourself really. I am glad it was me that had to deal with that because it was a lesson learned for both of us. I know what I don't ever want to put up with & tolerate every again.

So for all of that; the tears that I've cried, that came down my face while being choked. For the marks and bruises you have left on my body. For the mental & emotional damage you have caused. For the broken heart. THANK YOU!

My Birthday & Judgement Day.

Judgement day is the 21st & if I get taken before my birthday on the 24th, me & the person upstairs will have some issues.

As excited as I am for my birthday, I know I will get emotional & it will be reminiscing on my memories. I can't believe all I have gone through, learned, experienced & have found out within the last year. It has been another chapter written in my life & one that has presented many hardships. Getting older does not mean you are wiser, it just means you have lived that amount of years in the course of life.

Next week on my birthday I just want a peaceful & beautiful day. I want to enjoy my time with those who want to be around me & enjoy my day in general. I am truly happy to hopefully see another year, even after my health has taken another toll for the worse. I could be suffering more, so for that I am grateful.

Thank those of you who have stepped into my life & those who have ran out. I have grown so much from everything & will continue to prosper.

As for Judgement day, if you want to take those worthy of it, fine! But do me a favor leave me in this hell so I can try to enjoy the rest of the years, months or days I have to live. Thank you.

TT.

Train-Truck accident today on the my train line. It was a nice way to start off the morning with cancelled trains, rushing there to begin with, exhausted for not sleeping.

I wrote this last night:

“When you can’t sleep because you think reality is better than the nightmares that have been haunting you. You rather stay awake then to close your eyes where hurt is on repeat. You cry because no one ever sees what they do, how they can hurt you even when they feel it’s all innocent. The moment you’re hiding under your covers realizing that people’s words mean nothing because they can turn around & prove to you why they aren’t worth anything.

Where your heart feelings 10lbs heavier because you never expected it. Where you point to yourself and the only person you’re disappointed in is you.“

I was having a weak moment. I was letting a lot of things & people get the best of me. It happens a lot when you have expectations, when you put yourself out there, when you just care in general. I keep asking myself “Why do I let this happen to me?” I can’t shut people out, I can’t shut how I feel out. I go on what I feel, I share how I feel – for some reason it always has a way of biting me in the ass.

-Sigh-

Cold Showers & Rainy Mornings.

Waking up this morning my spirit was already let down. Being vulnerable is the last thing I want. I’ve been having expectations that I know I shouldn’t. I’m unsure if how I’m feeling is because; I am letting my health get the best of me, or I just don’t trust people’s motives. This seems completely all over the place, because it is. My feelings are completely all over the place.

I read something this morning that someone wrote. Slowly getting to know this person & seeing what they had to say, it made me think & get to know another part of their mind. I realized a lot when it comes to being away from my ex. Despite what we have gone through, I still love her. My love may not be the same as it once was, I may no longer be in love with her, but because of our experiences together I will always love her. She has helped me learn a lot about myself, a lot about what relationships should & shouldn’t be like. At one point I only saw myself with her & every thing that has happened has torn me apart. I only want the best for her now & in the long run. I have grown to realize that I don’t need anyone to make me happy & I was to dependent on her + what she provided to feel good about myself.

Also, I noticed that I over think a lot of things. Instead of enjoying the moments & what I have, I begin to think deeper into things. I think someone is always after someone else. If someone sees you begin to live without them, they want to bring you down. If someone doesn’t like what they see, they have a lot to say about it. I know I’m capable of making others happy whether it’s my friendships or any other relationship I gain. For others to turn that around & try bringing you down, questioning what you have with others, it does get a bit annoying. When speaking to someone on this, the conversation got hasty & uneasy (texts can be so easily misinterpreted). In the end they proved a point: No one needs to know all about your business or life unless it’s already made clear. When people question you without stating who they are, they are of no importance. & even so if someone who doesn’t even know you & is trying to be all in your personal life, they do not deserve an explanation.

All my thoughts this morning are scrambled. I just know there are ways that I feel that I won’t completely understand. There are times that I will be so hurt but I can’t dwell on it for too long. My business is my business & who I share it with is the only person to know unless we feel the need to say otherwise. People who show interest in your life but in an abrasive matter & only care to know certain things, they don’t need an answer.

Hopefully after I get my mind together, after a few apologies, things will turn around a little bit. That’s the least I can do is say sorry for letting how I feel, what I go through & why I’ve gone through get the best of me. No one should deal with that wrath at all.

You can’t move on without letting go of certain things, certain feelings that won’t make matters better.

Hope everyone has a beautiful day.
- Ahlexandria

Polaroid :)

Polaroid :) a photo by Ahlexandria on Flickr.

My mom found this in our personal thrift shop a.k.a our garage. LOL Let me just say I've been dying for this to be found. I hope that I can find the proper film for it so I can make use of it. BOY AM I EXCITED! A new little project that I am going to put to work.

HK Teddy.

HK Teddy. a photo by Ahlexandria on Flickr.

What I lay with every night.

Tumblr Bloggers?

Although I write on here, I try not to write too much. I like to make one to two posts a day. I write things on Tumblr as well that I wish would post on here. If you have a Tumblr please feel free to follow: Ahlexandria.Tumblr.Com :)

I've also added a tab on the top so you can click & follow what I write & post there. Enjoy!

Happy Mother's Day!

(Taken with her Evo on Cinco De Mayo 2011)

Although quite shaken up this morning I couldn't forget the special day for my special-crazy lady! She texted me with a menu of what she wanted for breakfast, so of course that's my cue to make it! I got up, looked for eggs, the breakfast turkey patties and the beef sausage. I love omelets, so I made her a diced green pepper, ham and monster cheese omelet. I cooked the turkey patties and sausage together & I made wheat toast. I served her her plate with some diced strawberries as well. Hey! She didn't ask for anything but breakfast. Funny part was that she goes "Unlike my friend whose at IHOP waiting two hours, we got a free meal. At least everything was here." I go "Of course it was, YOU SET ME UP!" & all she did was laugh because she knows she only purchased those things during the week so she could have breakfast in bed. SMH! Tricky woman she is.

Anyways, to all those mothers out there, I wish you an amazing mother's day! I hope you get treated like the queens that you are and get shown all the love possible.

xo.

- Ahlexandria

I think I need to create a nice signature to attach to the end of my blogs. Hm! My next little project.

Dear Stephanie,

(A Big Part Of Me. a photo by Ahlexandria on Flickr.)

I wanted to thank you for inviting me out to your big day. I can't explain the joy that ran through my body & the chills that it all gave me. You look absolutely amazing & your smile was glowing. I am proud of you, you have come a long way & getting to know you throughout this time has made me grow to love you even more. Your family is amazing, no wonder you are the way you are. I know times have gotten hard for you, & even though someone you thought would surprise you didn't come, I'm glad I was there to fill a small piece of that void.

You have inspired me. I can honestly say knowing I have messed up with college, knowing that my health has gotten the best of me, seeing you has made me realize we can all conquer our goals. I will continue to strive in school, continue to push forward, because seeing you receive your diploma is something I know I want for myself.

I can't thank you enough for coming into my life last year & becoming someone who will always leave a footprint in my heart. There is no way I'd let you go, no way I'd ever allow anything to defeat the friendship that we have. We have something one in a kind, we have defied the laws of relationships & hardships that come with it. You honestly complete a part of me that many other people who have tried to be friends, couldn't. You are my princess, a princess & there is no reason anyone should treat you less of that. You deserve nothing but the best & all the precious gifts life has to offer.

I know you are going to do great in your new chapter of life, the new journey that lies ahead of you. Remember like Katherine said "You guide your ship, you control your anchor." Life is yours, your life is yours & you are going to do phenomenal as you take control & manage it wisely.

Congratulations! & cheers to our unique bond & relationship that is still blossoming. I'm ready to see your newest endeavors.

I honestly & truly can say; I LOVE YOU!

- Ahlexandria. <3

Teen Suicide.

Yesterday afternoon there was a lot of commotion around the block of where I'm currently working. Let's just say it's not what I expected. When I walked to the crime scene, it was a mad house. People were standing there looking, cops were telling us all to leave, telling people not to take pictures.

Here is the article. A young man jumped off a building right into a MTA bus. The body was covered when I went over there, there was a huge dent in the bus and people in complete shock.

Life gets hard. Everyone handles it differently. When I read the article online & saw the comments, I was surprised at what people had to say.

Casual Rainy Day.

I am all for the comfy look:

Jean button down, black vest I found, black leggings, & threw on some gold earrings to match my cheetah print flats.

Losing Friendships.

Friendships seem to be a relationship that a lot of people take for granted. People never seen to value what a friend does for them because they are used to their acts of kindness. They are so sure that their friend will always just be there.

Many people don't realize that they can lose a friendship over something so simple as not saying thank you, not sticking by their words, not giving half of what is being given to them.

Friendships should not be based on material things, any relationship shouldn't for that matter. But when you are given something, a thank you & showing your appreciation can go a long way.

Very few times do we come across a person who can be one of our closest & loyal friends. When you find the friend who will circle the universe to help you, to guide you to your happiness, to support you entirely; that is a genuine person worth having in your life. A person who will stop it all just to be able to tend to your needs, or cater to you when you're at your worst; that friend is truly one in a kind.

Not many people realize the people who have done this. They are so self indulged that they forget how to just be a good friend in return. They also don't realize how they abuse the friendship they have, misuse the person being a good friend.

Take time out to evaluate friendships or relationships you have with people. Look at the weight that it holds for you. Think if it is someone positive in your life that you can be grateful for, or if what they're providing is just too much for you to handle. If you haven't said thank you or shown some sort of appreciation to those people now is the time that you should.

Just some food for the brain.
- Ahlexandria