#9: Spewwww.

I've been just ranting and randomly entering little reminders for myself on Twitter. Thing with Twitter that we all know is that you're sharing it with everyone. I do that with the reason that maybe people can relate. I'm not perfect, I state that and I know that for a fact, but there are plenty of things that I just do not agree on.

Over the course of the past 2-3 years I've taken a lot of what I've experienced and put them together. Noticing that some of what I've allowed to happen before is replaying itself. Maybe I'm not doing my best at not allowing it to happen, but I am trying to handle it differently this time around. It's not always successful and there are times that I completely lose my mind, but I do know that it's not going to be okay.

People think abuse is just in the form of physically being hit. We forget that abuse can be mental and emotional. No one should do that to anyone and there is a thin line between it. If you curse someone out for how you feel about them, that is not abuse that is you completely over things with them and fed up. Now if you are cursing them out on a day to day to make them feel less of themselves, that is emotional abuse. There are people so blind to what they're doing because they are always so far up their own ass that they never know, but they do do it. It's hard to tell someone who always thinks they're right about themselves. Me? It's hard to tell me about myself because then I'll begin to pin-point all the bull shit you do too and need to know. I make it a back and forth.

No one likes to hear about themselves. It's one thing to hear and make changes, it's another thing to hear and then just go back to your old bull shit. Everyone is flawed and the hardest thing is to hear from someone that they're completely disappointed in you, especially if it's someone you deeply care for.

There's just so much that relates to abuse and how people like to completely take advantage of people. I don't like when it's done by those who claim to be your friends, that is the worst. If they're not doing it to you, trust me they're doing it to someone else. It's so easy for them to manipulate you, they're friend, imagine someone who isn't even a "friend" yet. But that's the fault of someone else for being so naive.

I keep reminding myself that I have sacrificed so much and made things happen thanks to me and my love and support system. I tell myself that you have to send that simple "I love you" and "Thank you" to those who have done nothing but held you down and helped you. Those things mean so much so you're never taking anyone for granted. I learned though that you can't expect that from everyone, especially the people who you have provided it all for and bent backwards for because those people might be too caught up in themselves.

The point of this? Just to share thoughts. If you write something and someone is offended, maybe the shoe fits. Don't change yourself for anyone, change for yourself. If anything you should just give less of yourself to someone who isn't worthy of it. It is not okay to be taken advantage of and abused. Those who matter will show you they care. They won't do it because they want something in return and want to use you in the long run. People who show you love here and there, if you feel off by it, maybe it's because they're doing it in order to get you around.

Live according to you and know that it is all an experience that you can only take it and learn from it.

#5: Adulthood

Looking back at pictures like this I realize that nothing can ever be like my childhood. Everything wasn't entirely perfect, but it sure seemed to have been for me. When we are younger we embrace all things that we love, all things that we like, everything that seems to catch our eye. As we get older we realize that sometimes that tight grip slowly begins to loosen up. Things change, times change, people change. Over the course of a few years you're no longer looking at the world for all the colors but you're looking at black, white and grays.

Each time I look at this picture I ask myself; Am I who I wanted to be? Am I still that same loving little kid? Does that adorable little boy still look up to me?

Being an adult isn't what I've expected. One thing I've noticed is that taking it day to day is mandatory. You can plan, but you have to take everything in stride. Do not rush, do not try and control the inevitable. You just have to gradually do what it takes to be a better you. Each day offers you a lesson, a lesson towards your greatest major - life.

Looking back at that picture it warms my heart. Although I know I am not perfect, there are many things that cannot amount to that hug. 'Til this day that little boy that turned into a handsome young man gives me strength that I never believed. By just speaking to me, confiding in me and allowing me to take part of his growing process. By me sharing my obstacles in becoming the adult that I am today, sharing adulthood. It is things just like that photo, those memories, that make me think of how beautiful life actually is if you just take a step back and see the pictures.

& Over The Course of a Few Weeks....

The panoramic photo I took of NYC.

A lot ends up happening. Between learning a lot of new things, finding out new things & just living life things just occur. With the this little "hiatus" I guess I've taken, more so because I didn't know what to write, it's crazy what comes along. My lack of writing has shown me so much more.

• Clearly my career as a professional blogger doesn't seem like it will ever happen. Maybe it's due to not being inspired, not knowing what to write, or unsure of how to say things. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone because they believe my words are directed towards them with my generalization. Then I realized I can't stop writing how I do or what I write because I care too much about what someone else thinks. That's my problem, I tend to care too much.
• It's not a lie when you're told your parents know you best. My mother & father know me in & out, they know how temperamental I am, my highs & lows. The thing that I appreciate the most is that despite it all they love me. My parents will tell me how it is, where I went wrong, where things are going. They provide me with blunt advice on how life is & how I could handle it. Even if I didn't go about it the right way they will help me see all sides of the fence. My father recently said "Life brings you things that you just have to take it & run with it. People shouldn't run away from the problems they will always linger. Those who can not confront it are scared of the outcome. Be yourself, you will get far by just being you because you are amazing even if you're flawed." Now my mom is not as calm as my dad. My dad has a subtle approach to things but has no problem putting a fist through someone's face. My mom on the other hand has this "Fuck you if you fuck me over & you'll know I'm not about this shit" approach. I guess it's a mother's instinct to protect their children, but even if so she just says: "No one likes to hear negative about themselves, I know I hate it. If you have to lash out there must be some underlying reason for it. If people would listen the first time around they wouldn't be so offended when it was repeated." The joy of parents, the way I love them, the support they've provided me through recent times.
• As it comes to it people change, relationships change, things are not the same. I recently found out that Steff is looking to move out. Even if she wants to deny it or say "At the moment I am not going anywhere" or "It is not your concern, I owe you no explanation" - in the end it's me who she lives with. When I wanted to leave I told her (even if it wasn't the nicest way) & it's me who she's fucking over. By all means, if she doesn't want to tell me I don't mind, but I clearly know otherwise. Apparently questioning the lease wasn't the only thing, but the fact that this world is soooo small is what blows me away. My friend moved into a place with someone else & they have a third room they're looking to rent. A "$700 room for rent" & Steff's e-mail was one they received. How do I know? Well my friend came to my house & has met Steff. I tagged Steff on Instagram & she asked me "What's the 'Vee' stand for?" I told her it's her last name -so & so-. Guess she remembered it pretty well & mentioned it to me, the e-mail & all. I let out the ultimate laugh. Steff is right about one thing she owes me no explanation, but be decent enough to tell me straight up. It's ok though, I wish her nothing but the best with her search for a new place & her endeavors. She's an amazing person & all of the crap we're going through doesn't make me stop loving her. We all fuck up & think what we do isn't wrong. Shit! I didn't think cursing her out & telling her she was a fucked up friend & roommate was wrong, still don't. It is what it is. As outlandish as it all sounds it's just things that end up being those little "outcomes" of choices made. I will just wait for that notice so I can help get the apartment situated into a better place.
• Cyber Monday is really not all it's made out to be. I was dying to try & get tons of new electronics for the living room set up I have in mind & kitchen appliances. TUH! I didn't think the deals were all that great except for one crock pot/slow cooker I was waiting for. Walmart had this 6 quartz slow cooker for $9.44. You can only imagine how fast that ended up going! Although my self purchases were a fail, I didn't fail on one thing. I got my mom an awesome birthday gift that was long overdue. My mom always seems to bend backwards to make sure she can provide me all that she does. So I decided to get her a nice 32" flat screen for her birthday. Time for her to get rid of that other TV & upgrade to something sleek. I can't wait until she picks it up!
• Do you ever realize that the people you deal with on the day to day basis actually become a great part of your life?! Well I have & I wouldn't trade any of them. Not only have they become my day to day, my friends, but a family to me. They have taught me so much about life, told me so much & continue to help me build myself as a person. The main thing I learned with them is that no matter what little arguments you go through with one another you have to look past it. Not only for your sanity, but for the sake of what you have gained & built with that person. Seriously, if they even read any of this, thank you!

Obviously there's a lot of updates. Plenty that I haven't pin-pointed in here but just things I've come to realize, or what I want to share because I need to get it off my chest. Nothing changes who has come into my life, they are all experiences that I wouldn't go back on. Just because respect is lost, doesn't mean the love is. I love you, just don't respect you for what you've done. Do I support you? Absolutely! In whatever ends up making you happy. Clearly my parents & my day to day folks love & care for me even with my faults. All of this time, what I've been going out & doing, the way my outlook has changed - it's just all something new for me. More knowledge for me to gain from everything, more reason to learn how to control my anger, all the more reason to never stop being myself. In the end I am still happy!

"Because your best is your best, no matter what the outcome, your best is enough."

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving went well.

Talk to you soon lovies.

- Ahlexandria

I've Lost My Mind Plenty....

& this quote fits what goes on with me perfectly!

T i m e  h e a l s  a l l .

Very true in many forms. I've lost my mind, myself & everything that comes along with sanity. I know I'm crazy, but even by being crazy & this weirdo, I'm happy! There are times where stress does get the best of me, where people are complete disappointments, where I am not on the up & up; but damn....it feels so good to know that I can find my happy place.

I've done so many things to reach that point. I've found so many ways to relieve stress, to be happy, to just look at the bigger picture. I am not perfect & I know this. I do what I have to do & continue to do it because it's what has to be done. Those who can not stay true to who they are, who let so many things change them & can not continue to stick to things - those are people who will lose themselves. Being crazy is who I am. I don't think I am sane, even though a lot of times it seems so. I am out of control, loose at the mouth, but at the end of the day I'm me. I hold it together as best as I can & I've started not caring about a lot of things that can not be changed. I can not change people & their priorities & how much they suck. I can not change the weather, nor can I change how the world works. All I can do is adapt, accept it & continue about my day to day.

Although I love to evaluate all of it; question, wonder, think of what was said & done - I will not allow it to get the best of me. People will no longer get the best of me. Feelings will be feelings in that moment & something I will have to overcome. If I lose out, I lose out. There will be something that comes along to just replace that loss.

I have been more to myself, more focused on hobbies (ie: food blog). I've met new people, gotten to know people I do better & learned who holds what place in my life. Some people have been demoted & I am absolutely ok with that. Their actions, their words, where I'm at, what I do, it all doesn't seem to fit one another. Life is like a puzzle piece we are trying to figure out and put together. Just know, everyone will also have that missing piece. If it's not that missing piece they will always have a piece they are trying their best to fit in.

T h i n k  a b o u t  i t !

Don't ever doubt what your mind and heart are capable of. Do it because it feels right, but know that whatever decision you make there are occurrences/consequences that then follow. Don't want to stay true to you work, don't want to keep promises, want to put whomever helped you get to where you are aside, want to act like you're better, want to not care - it all comes with something.

My mind randomly typing it all up.

- Ahlexandria

So Much!

I think a lot of the photos speak for themselves. lol

If you've been following me on Instagram you know I've been doing so much, so busy, but living! I can't explain how good it makes me feel to know that I've been doing things. Between family outing with my company, to gun rangers, Fuerza Bruta (which is INSANE & AMAZING), to random adventures of drag brunches & sex museums.....I have been a girl learning to deal with her stress in so many other ways than one.

With that said I would love to introduce everyone to a new part of my life,

A NEW FOUND FOOD BLOG!

I constantly post photos of things that I make, or eat & it gets tons of love. I also get pushed to start a blog, to help others. I am not a chef, I am just someone who finds a way to relieve her stress & put all of that into something she can enjoy. I would love for my readers here to follow along!

SmallChicksBigEats.Com

That has become my new baby! Steff & I have come together to colab & make this something we want everyone to enjoy. From food that is made to places we go eat. To things that are healthy, even to food that isn't but damn it's so good you just have to try it! Please follow, bookmark & join a new journey.

I want to thank Dari for doing her thing with it. She took that blog as if it was her own & showed it all the love with the designs she made.  She is talented to say the least & I love how creative she gets with just a few simple ideas I throw her way.

There is a button you can add to your blogs if you'd like to support. Either way I hope that I can new readers to the food blog  & this pushes me to add to my own blog.

Happy hungry reading! ;)

- Ahlexandria

9th Month of the Year.

Summer is over & the fall is rolling in. I ended summer properly. I have several pictures for upcoming posts that I can't wait to share. Also have posts lined up ready to be posted. 

I've been on a "stay-cation" over in Long Island at Mom's house. It was nice to be away, spend time with my lady & see the people I grew up with. Family is important! I have always been the outcast not wanting to spend time with family, but this year I've made it a priority. I try to see my mom once a month, see my brother for his important days & when we can get together & spend time with my cousins. Two of my cousins are my closest friends & I have made that effort to not only always keep in touch with them but see them when our schedules allow it.

The time away from the apartment was nice. The things I usually do; cooking, taking out the trash, trying to stay on top of things - those are things I didn't have to worry about this week. Before I left the apartment I cleaned it up, took out trash that Sunday & made sure there was nothing much Steff had to do except stay on top of it. It's nice to have an easy going vacation with no much worries. I didn't have to cook this entire week, worry about chores (except personal ones that had to be done while out here) & all I had to do was let it all go. Everything that has happened this summer, the tension that is there with people, just stress...I've set it all side or let it go. It's about mutual respect & staying true to who you are & what you promised. Not everyone can do that, so those are people who you shrug off.

I've gone out, I'm done some DIY projects, I've tanned after not being at the beach since Costa Rica. But more than anything, I spend time the past two weeks with the ones I love. Catching up with old friends was nice. To see how things have changed over the years. To rehash the memories we had & just share the good ol' times. This little get away was much needed. As much as I can hope for things to get better, there to be less stress - all I want is for people to step it up where need be. But hey, if they can't then I am absolutely fine with it, it is me at the end of the day.

A new month is supposed to bring about new goals. I have plenty of them, but I honestly rather share the goal through a blog when I actually do it. This month there is plenty planned & I have already started that by freeing myself, getting some projects done, feeling just a little above normal.

I hope that you all have your fall goals ready! Very proud to see you all back in school, your babies going to school, just things coming together for a lot of us who were down in the dumps. Positive thinking, hopes & wishes can bring out positive outcome. Don't ever forget what you can accomplish!

Stay tuned for some upcoming posts!

xo - Ahlexandria

Time Flies!

& to think my little mama has gotten so big & she's not even a year yet. I was going through my phone while I was thinking about "Goodness I've had my .com for three years now" & realized, time actually flies. I look through these pictures of my little one & I realized that no matter what you can't change anything, but love the memories that you have, embrace them.

When I first created my .com I was using Tumblr as my host. Later on I realized I wanted something a bit more personal & moved my .com to Blogger. Although I have been the ultimate slacker, I can't help but enjoy having a .com. It is my own, my own space whenever my mind wants to run free. It's the place where I can turn to & share things, or give things (if I have things to give away). lol. I owe so many people so many things for just being there & thanks to my .com it's brought some amazing folks into my life.

Three years later, some memories that come with it & even a few tears, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. You live & you learn. I wish there was a way to show my blogs "growth" from then to now like I can with Mizi, but Mizi is far cuter than my blog & easier on the eyes! lolll.

With all of my rambles done & said, thank you all for your support. For being readers, for trying to keep me motivated & making sure that my mind is used to it's fullest potential.

xo's - Ahlexandria

Class of 2012!

I have to say this has to be one of the happiest days of my life. I can put together a few, but watching my little brother graduate definitely reached the top of my list. He is brilliant, absolutely handsome & as he said we have a connection, this bond, that are like a pair of twins. He is my little big twin!

Exhausted does not even begin to explain what I feel because of this day, but all in all today was the perfect way to spend it. Half a day, all to go & drive to Pennsylvania to see him in his cap & gown, get his diploma & throw his hat in the air in celebration. The only unfortunate thing was that he felt really sick because he didn't eat, & I can relate to the same feeling. Other than that we spoke about college, his plans, how he wants me involved & just telling him I am too damn proud.

Sidenote: We were talking & he said "Hi" to some little hoochies & they were giggling up a storm all because he said HI! Like chill little chicks get a grip!

Anyways,

As you can see I was ecstatic! I wouldn't have ever missed this day for the world. I didn't cry, but I got emotional & I am just a proud big sister.

To my #1 man, my little brother, my twin;

I couldn't be happier! I am proud of you & I know your mom & our dad will not understand us at all. They won't understand the pressure they put on you, but I understand. You are loving, understanding & open minded. Your mom & Reg raised you well & Dad threw in a little something something lol. Just know that no matter what it is, whether you want to vent to me or just laugh it up, I am here. I am glad you feel comfortable enough to turn to me, to be honest with me. We have a relationship a lot of brothers & sisters can never even relate to. We are on in a kind!

I love you more than you will even know & I'd give you the world & more if I can.

- T.A.S

My Monkey!

My Monkey! a photo by Ahlexandria on Flickr.

This is Noah. :) Remember the beautiful KD?! Well this is her son, my godson, my darling monkey. He was over here this weekend & we ended up walking to pick up my camera. WOO! Got my camera back, got to mess with it & got this picture of my little boobee!

Just figured I'd share him with everyone & the picture I ended up loving of him being 1 month old this past Saturday. Kids grow up so fast....I see it by the pictures of some of the bloggers lovely children. Ay!


Happy Tuesday everyone!

Cuddled Up.

Unedited photo of Mizi cuddled next to me.

What better way than to update my week with a picture of my baby. She's such the mush I swear! Although absolutely crazy, she loves to cuddle & be around people. I never expected to have a love for a cat the way I do for her (with the exception of Hello Kitty lol).

I hope everyone's week went well for them & this upcoming week has a lot to offer, or you're offering a lot to yourself with the time you have. Things always seem to be hectic, but I'm finding ways to manage & improve. Always an obstacle, but I'm not giving up at all on myself. I continue to just try my best to look in a positive direction.

This week I plan on pulling out my camera to take some random photos & improve myself. Hopefully with this I can find my love for that art again. I also want to design some cases so I can get them up to sell. All the ideas that I have wondering in my brain just need to finally be released. There are several others DYI projects that I want to do for a relaxing, me time. Besides arts & crafts I am trying some cooking projects. I am going to see what kinds of salads I can make for under $10 (hopefully get 4-6 salads from it) & work on getting the DVD's I purchased in motion.

Sunday has been a good one. Relaxed, went to the movies to see '21 Jump Street' & got to eat a delicious antipasto salad from a favorite spot. Besides the insane amount of laughter that we all needed & the screwed up pancakes, Sunday was a good way to end the weekend.

Let's see what this week has in store, as well as my blog!

Happy reading.

- Ahlexandria.

December 1st.

The most beautiful woman in the world to me, the reason I am breathing. She is the person who not only has helped me grow into I am & put me through all hell, I couldn't thank her anymore. She is my savior, the one person I know I can turn to first, even if I am scared. She will yell at me but always turn out supporting me. She will love me endlessly, even after there is no me. I can not imagine life without her because at one point she was all that I had.

Mom, I could describe you & share to everyone how much you mean to me, but I doubt they would want to read that novel I'd come up with. Besides being the blood that runs in me, you are my heart entirely! You are an inspiration to me, you show me how driven a single parent can be, how good of a parent someone can be. Even though we've had our many rough patches, you still followed through by being the best mother any child could have. I can look past the negative & build from it because you've shown me you can't always be sour. By being friends with my Father after all that he's done, you showed me some people just deserve courtesy & respect. I have taken pieces of you that I love to have with me & use for my own growth. Even though there are some traits you can keep, lol, I rather know that you will always live within me.

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday! You look young, because your heart stays young. Although our health tries to bring us down, you out of all people will not allow that to let you continue living your life. Cheers to you & I hope you are enjoying yourself.

I LOVE YOU!

I had to you guys - she is my mommy. I am her only one. Tomorrow I will have a list to start off December & end the year right. Have to make sure I get some tasks done & reinforce myself.

God-Family.

Saturday (as I dated this back to the date of), was an amazing day. I bar tended a college graduation bbq for a girl I've known since I was about 10. Her, my God-sister & myself all grew up together. While I was serving drinks someone screams my name. I look up & it's my God-sister! I was extremely happy when I saw her, then my God-mother, then my beautiful God-daughter & God-son I haven't seen in FOREVER! Due to family issues, I distanced myself from a lot of people, especially them. It's a bad habit that I do & it made me miss seeing my little ones grow up! In a way I was completely disappointed, but when they enjoyed being around me, smiled, giggled & splashed water all over me, I knew that I wouldn't ever let that happen again. Later that day I got to see my God-brothers & how much they have matured. It's crazy how time changes, when you grow up with people how their life turns out.

My God-daughter's 4th birthday is coming up in a week & her birthday is at the end of the month. She already told me what she wants; "Titi I want a Jesse hat." You know, Jesse from Toy Story?! LOL, she's the cutest thing, I have been on my search. My God-son will get a little gift too because I can't leave him out. When Audrianna was born I was there that same day looking at her, loving her at that very moment. She's so big now, so precious! The picture I have framed of her as a baby, the one's with her & Santa, now just how smart she is. Lucas, he's a little munchkin brat, but he's the cutest little boy I swear.

I just wanted to share that, also some pictures of them. :)

This is Lucas. He is a little monkey.



Audri is Titi's princess & she is so cheery.



He's such a grump & she's such the diva.