#6: What If.....

Recently picking through my brain and just looking at different scenarios, I've been asking myself "What if....". Have you ever just sat there and asked yourself how things could be different and how they'd change if it didn't happen how it did?

Between flying and just having some nice time away from certain situations that I've needed to, I was able to reflect. Noticing how people are, what they do and say, how it then can upset me. Noticing that I shouldn't be bothered by what someone says and does as long as isn't directly effecting me. I've held back on what should be said and exploded. Building this anger and allowing it to just sit there instead of speaking on it because I would rather let it be. Thinking that people know what an adult relationship with others should be. Some times I forget that people are never going to see things how you do. I forget that people can be so selfish and not everyone will just go an extra mile.

When you feel abused whether that's physically or verbally, you don't ever get how much it beat you up until you take a second to sit back and observe. How someone can mentally and emotionally play with you just to benefit them. How someone could sit there and constantly expect so much from you, but not even giving you the inch of the same thing.

I prefer to be distant. Distant as if it was close enough to reach but completely out of my reach and not having to deal with it as much because I took that step. I would just prefer to live day to day and worry about what needs to be instead of who.

What if....

• people were different?
• people took the time to thank you?
• you didn't take that responsibility?
• you didn't make that move?
• you spoke up more?
• beat them with your words for once?
• took everything away?
• completely changed yourself?

Who knows. I won't. I can only worry about today.

It's About That Time....

The distance I've grown from all of this, from my blog. I've been trying to think of what to write, how to keep readers interested. It finally hit me, writing is for me. This blog is for me & those who share it with me, I hope it has become something for you too. I have been in hiding, been so enclosed doing things that I have to. I've been focusing on myself, trying to handle my emotions, renovating the apartment, working. It's finally time, time for me to share myself, to let all of these clouded feelings go & it comes to doing it right here.

I've been in love. I still love.

I've lost love. I've hurt love.

I miss love. But I am love.

Between the issues that have gone on at home, with trying to just lead a day to day life, I realized love to many is essential. As much as I've tried blocking it off I just can't. I still love people, I've grown to love people, I've fallen for people who I still care for. We are human, we think more than we should, we have feelings that we wish we didn't. Avoiding everything about love has been what I've tried doing.

My ex & I broke up last year around July. We have spoken on & off about things, but never went through getting back together officially. Why? I wasn't ready. I felt that I needed to focus on myself & better myself. If I am not a better person how can our relationship possibly work? We tried being together & working things out, but maybe something different would help. I kept my life moving forward, after a few months started to get to know people especially due to the distance her & I created. & even between then everyone knew my terms: "I am not looking for anything. I am just getting to know people. I am focusing on myself." I did not (still don't) want a relationship, I did not (still don't) want to be serious with anyone, but I can't help that I myself am an emotional person. I like to tell you that you interest me & why. If there was something that you did, that I found beauty in I'd let you know. The downfall of all of this, people think that you're trying to be serious.

Throughout this I didn't stop loving my ex. She was & still is someone I love & care deeply about. But things change, people change & we were together for the reasons we were. The past is in the past for many reasons & I keep telling myself "You can't hold onto someone when things aren't eye to eye." We weren't & still aren't eye to eye with one another. But what I was avoiding? I was avoiding loving & being hurt. What happened? I got hurt. I felt like there was an ultimatum - be with me now, or there's nothing at all . All I wanted was to improve myself, to better myself, figure out who I am & was becoming. But the choice was to do that with her or she had someone lined up to be with. This coming from the person who still doesn't know what she is going to do with herself.

I've "dated" I guess you can say, got to know people out there. There's one thing I refuse to do, I refuse to blame anyone for what happens between my ex & myself. The "baggage" I have (or had at this point), is not something that should influence something in the future. I'm not looking for anything, but I do know that I am capable of loving beyond what I've expected. Enduring so much, my ex & I, my ex's! & I enduring all that we have with one another; & all I want is the best for them. Is that so wrong? I say that not out of sarcasm but with actual love & because I know they deserve it. We all deserve happiness. We deserve the best for us!

My ex is just an example of love lost. There is so much heartache that comes with loving, with trying to put yourself first for once. But I can not allow myself to give in to something I am not ready for. That I do not see at a state of being able to be fixed. There are sacrifices we all have to make & there's a point that you will end up hurt due to it. Just don't give up on yourself & know you're strong enough to experience the outcome of the decision you've made.

I've cried. It's ok. I've screamed. & that's fine too. We all handle things differently. We find someone else to involve ourselves with to move on. We just go into hiding to not have to worry about any outside feelings other the ones that we need to deal with. You find out a lot more about everything when you take a step back from everything. Whether you do it for a month, three months or like me going on eight months & still letting it happen, you do end up figuring it out. You figure out what's best for you & who is best to have in your life.

It's about time that I poured my heart out to my blog. This was the space where my inner thoughts spewed out. I can't give this up because this is one form of sanity. Hopefully with this I have given myself the proper closure to the love I once had & I can move on to new. I've found new things, experienced new things, but I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt there is an ending to that chapter. This is the end to that chapter. & I will continue to remind myself: it's absolutely fine to be vulnerable, but know that you can end up hurt.

With love on Valentine's Day.

- Ahlexandria

Let's Try To Be Positive!

Ever feel like you need some guidance? Something to help you remind yourself that it's ok, that it will be ok, that you just have to keep moving forward?

Lately, that's what I feel I've been needing. I've been reading so many books, all these books have such great quotes, things that are affirmations in being a better me. Although they aren't who I am, there are things that I can pick from it. One book Tweak by Nic Sheff, it has a part where it tells you to constantly tell a higher power (whoever it may be), "Thank you for giving me this day! Thank you for keeping me positive! Thank you for allowing me to see more & grow!" The book is about the actual author & his addiction to drugs, how he relapsed, what it took for him to come off of it. It's a lot of back & forth with what his life once was & what it is in that current state in the moment. He was told the more he says this & reminds himself, the more it will become a daily habit & he will believe in it.

Above you see a positive affirmation that I have found. I am sharing it with everyone so you know to always stay positive. Whether it's for you or for someone else...it can help you entirely. In Tweak it says that some times it is so much better to help others because it helps us remain at a sane state & help ourselves. Now don't get me wrong, we don't want to over-extend our kindness because some people take advantage of it. Even when that happens though it's something we take in as a growing experience. Those who do not appreciate you, who can not be loyal & not stay true to who they have made themselves to be, they are not someone who has to be around for you. POSITIVE THINKING!

I can be in the biggest hole, but I won't let the people around me have to carry that as their burden. I rather share when need be & listen to them & be there for them. Being there for them allows me to relate, to know they have someone by their side. Despite the people who have screwed me over, who still owe me money & don't give it to me, the people who walk all over me, who can say they hate me without knowing me...I will still continue to grow & prosper & be a better me. There are plenty of things that can drag me down, bring my mood completely down, but I refuse to let them control my entire being. I am going to remind myself that no matter what you have to think positive. Eventually that outlook will bring about great things. PATIENCE!

What are some things you could be more positive about?

Insta-FlashBack

My friend Dani wanted me to update once a week with photos from Instagram, OOTD photos, my creations photos. So taking her advice I decided that I would choose some of my favorite photos from the past two weeks. Describing the photos from the first row going down:

1. That's a view of NYC from a park that's literally a 5 minute walk up from us. The good thing about the neighborhood we live in now is the parks that we have near us.

2. I wanted to include a photo of myself. Although I have been so tired it is a photo that's simple.

3. Mizi...oh my darling! She's learned how to get up on the windows. The joy it brought to me knowing that she wanted to see outside, check everything out.

4. I have another photo I have to post of Mizi being silly in her little play tower. She loves that thing! I know it was a good $50 investment.

5. I am in love with the lighting that we get in the apartment. The tall ceilings with the windows that I can barely reach halfway without being on my tippy toes. Mornings are always nice.

6. I'm not one to wear much jewelry, but the bracelets are definitely keepers. The S represents Steff & the friendship we have. The Buddha is made by Rey Jeff, which I posted in a previous post.

7. We didn't have a kitchen table & when my Mom came over last weekend she came up with a temporary table look. Thanks to my Mom & Tae our table looks very cute. So as a household we finally had dinner in our kitchen without standing & eating at the counter.

8. Lastly, tea in bed while watching TV. It's so relaxing & definitely brings me at ease. The sound bar definitely makes the volume & bass sound so much better too.

Friday is tomorrow & the weekend is finally here. Although it's supposed to rain this weekend, I'm ready to just relax. I just want to be in bed all weekend & force myself to sleep as much as possible.

What have you all been getting into for the week? What are you looking forward to?

Fire Aftermath.

Yupp, that's our apartment there. That's how it looked when I first walked in. Now it has wooden boards & plastic covering it. Not exactly what you'd expect to happen, something that was completely unexpected. There was an electrical shortage in the wall which had flames on the outside of the living room window/wall to go up in flames & flames coming into the apartment. Our fire escape, as we were told, is too weak to walk on.

The worst part of all of this is the fact that we just moved in a month ago, we have new things coming in within the next week & we have to wait for our wall to be cleared by insurance to fix & then we have to repaint. Thank goodness the amount of paint we purchased was more than enough! The other downfall of all of this is that the inspectors kept the furnace of the building off. There's no heat, gas or hot water. Does anyone know what it's like to wash in cold water when it's only 40 degrees outside?! Not fun at all! Thank goodness for the people who have been helping us & offering us a shower. We do have electric in the house, but to spend money on a heater, then a hot plate so we can cook? Yeah right. So I'm asking around to see who has an extra one.

Anyways, that's enough sad news for one post. Updates:

• I am going to create & sell some studded/spiked iPhone cases once product comes in.
• I plan on having another photo challenge, which I hope brings about more entrees.
• I also plan on having a contest & give away within the next two weeks as well.
• Making earrings have been on hold, but they're going to be back in the next month.
• Keys is doing a lovely give away on her blog right now. Check that out & enter!*

Aside from all of that, I hope everyone is enjoying their week & it's going a bit better than ours, or at least mine. I want to thank you all once again for your blessing, support & kind words to help me & the ones I love get through this slump.

Eye Exam Time.

It's about the time of year for me to get an eye exam. As you all know I wear glasses & honestly I enjoy that I can wear those or my contacts because it allows different styles & looks onto my face with eyeglasses frames. lol I know it sounds silly but I have no problem wearing my glasses. I've been looking for a new pair & have been trying to get ideas of what style I'd like.


The internet is the best way of finding glasses online & there are tons that I looked into. I personally was looking at GlassesUSA.Com & found several that I thought would look nice. The website offers various styles, colors, shapes & sizes to fit your face. The part I enjoyed most was that you could take a picture of yourself & get an idea of how the glasses would look on your face.

All the pictures posted are courtesy of GlassesUSA.com. If you notice the styles I posted are either "in" at the moment, or similar to the ones that I have now. The brown ones I have are similar to the white glasses that are posted. My brown ones are actually a replacement pair instead of always wearing a nice pair of Prada ones that I have. Hence the reason I picked the Kenneth Cole pair out to have as the main pair of glasses & then switch it up with one of the other two.


Having back up eyeglasses are always nice. You never know when you misplace them. So after I go get my eye exam I plan on going to GlassesUSA.com to order an extra pair of one of the three styles that I have chose. There are tons of others & it was hard to narrow down which ones would be my second pair.


If any of you could help me by going to GlassesUSA.com & picking out a pair of glasses that you think would look nice on me & link it I would appreciate it. I need ideas & why not get ideas from the people who see me & read up on me, the people who have an idea of what style would look nice. Once you have found a pair for me, I will view it & narrow it down further. :) I honestly just want to use the promo code offered, because I could save a lot more money with this website than others.


Hey! If any of you are even interested let me share the code with you:
Take 20% off any pair of eyeglasses and get FREE US shipping with the code: New2012
Take 10% off any order of prescription glasses. Code: Blog10

Happy glasses hunt!

Blurred Red Stripe

Blurred Red Stripe a photo by Ahlexandria on Flickr.

I have been taking photos that I've taken & trying to mess with them a bit. This one doesn't seem like I may have done a lot but I did. Besides that fact that it was already blurry I added more tone to it.

Doing things like this is a project for myself for the year. Just pick my camera up, take shots of whatever/whomever & either posting them or messing with them. It kind of makes it exciting to take photos because you never know what you can end up putting together.

I have to thank Steffy for being such a good sport. Now with the new tripod it seems like I will be able to do still shoots & even self shoots.

What camera do you use? What do you like taking pictures of? & what is your favorite thing about seeing a photo?

What Is Your Deepest Fear?

Think about it...what do you consider your deepest/greatest/biggest fear? As odd as it may sound, I really believe that is mine.

As much as blogs don't come as easy, I am going to attempt to make them once a week.